Saturday, June 16, 2012

Stewing

I was so afraid of what it would be like once I started chemo.  I'm irritated that the hardest part so far has been emotionally.  I'm trying to deal with the things that were said about me but it's not an easy thing for me to let go of.  I fall asleep thinking about it.  I wake up thinking about it and can't fall back to sleep.  I'm irritated that I can't control how it affects me.  I don't want this added stress right now.  For the sake of my unborn baby, I need to stop letting it eat at me.  The thing that bothers me so much is that what was said is a reflection of the hearts involved.  What was said is a reflection of a negative opinion of me.  What was said was done behind my back.  If I've said something that offends, I expect a true friend to come to me with that rather than letting it fester and turn their heart hard toward me.  Just because I have cancer doesn't mean that my loved ones should be afraid to tell me how they feel.  I'm not perfect.  I know that fact very well.  I know I'm not going to be perfect throughout this hard time.  Those surrounding me will most likely see me at my absolute worst.  This is a time in my life that is bringing out ALL of my weaknesses as well as my strengths.  What I need through this time is to be surrounded by people who are going to love me despite my weaknesses and to help me grow...to call me out on my crap in a LOVING way, in a compassionate way.

I don't know the whole story of exactly how the hurtful situation came to be.  But from what I do know, it all started with some comments I made within the first several days of my diagnosis.  At the time I was in shock and every thought going through my head was sarcastic.  I said many things that I never thought someone would take seriously.  One of these things that I said, from what I've been told, is one that motivated the comment.  I said, "If I have to have cancer and go bald, I'm going to be the only one.  Everyone else around me has to have hair, even the baby, if he's born without hair, he'll have to wear a wig."  Never in my life would I expect someone to take me seriously.  If you know me at all, you know that I am not looking forward to getting attention from having no hair.  Who would think that in the same conversation that I'm talking about making my baby wear a wig, that anything else I said would be serious?  I just don't get it.  I could type about this all day long. There are so many different aspects of this that are hurtful and confusing.  For someone who knows me to think that of me, hurts my pride.  For people who love me to mock me, breaks my heart.  To lose faith and trust in people I love, when I need them to be by my side walking me through this is so disappointing.  To lose sleep and to cry over this is maddening.

Note:  To those of you have have tried to comment and have been unable, I changed the restrictions on comments.  You can now comment freely...even as anonymous.  No need to comment on FB because you couldn't comment here anymore.  You can still comment on FB too.  I don't mind either way.  :)
(PS.  Commenting as anonymous is kinda lame if you ask me.)

12 comments:

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    1. Lisa, you are my hero. I am so proud of you for becoming the woman you are today. It seriously delights my heart!

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  2. Can Sharon and I go sock this person too? Love, Jean

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    1. I love picturing you or Sharon socking anyone!

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    2. Yah, I doubt that it would hurt that much. Someone would need to actually show me the right way to make a fist. Then I would probably chicken out anyway. Hee hee. Jean

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  3. I'll drive the get away car for Sharon and Jean. I'm a lover, not a fighter. You be you Rebecca. People are going to be who they are too, cancer or no. Sometimes that's not a great thing...and others step up to surprise and delight you.
    -Lisa McG

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    1. Thanks Lisa. I have had plenty of people stepping up to surprise and delight me, blessing me in ways I never imagined. I feel bad focusing on this one hurt when there are hundreds more blessings. You are one of those blessings...loving on my boy every day. Thank you for that.

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    2. I am capable of socking, believe me!!!! :) But, while we're waiting for God to give me permission to do that..ha!, let's pray just today for God's mercy and blessing on the person(s) that made the comments. Let's let God handle this so that all of your mental, emotional and spiritual energies can go toward your body's battle. Take your thoughts captive to praise and prayer! This is practical, not preachy, by the way. I live in my head all the time and I fight this battle for peace all the time. I am praying with you and for you, my precious Bec! I love you, sharon

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    3. All of your feelings are understandable, considering the source and your expectations (i.e., not expecting that to happen). Just work through it the best way you know how. If that means more conversations with those involved, more reassurance, more blogging to help you process, more talks with those you can trust, then keep doing that. Whatever it takes to make you mentally and emotionally stronger to keep you physically healthy. Whether others realize it not, this is about YOU. YOU have cancer. YOU have a life threatening illness. YOU have to endure procedures and processes. You have to keep YOU healthy in every way you can. Everyone else who knows and loves you is affected somehow but ONLY because they care about you and love you. But this is not about them. What was said has been said and what was done has been done. Now you get to decide how to proceed and respond and you have to do what's best for you for your health and well being to fight this cancer and get well. If that means cutting out unhealthy influences, then so be it. And if that means more reassurance at times when you're vulnerable and processing this thing that is happening to YOU, then you should get that reassurance without questions.

      Keep doing what you're doing, keep listening to your heart, and keep following your gut. No one is perfect, Beck. People make mistakes and HOPEFULLY, learn from them. But do NOT feel guilty for being hurt. Especially now, in the most challenging time of your life. You WILL get through this, with or without certain influences in your life. And at this point, those influences can decide HOW they have learned and HOW they will move forward....with or without you.

      I'm always here for you. Always as close as a call. But I think you knew that already. :-)

      You're spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Remember that.

      I love you girl!!!

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    4. Thank you ladies for your support. I am blessed to have you...praying, socking, reassuring, and everything else you have to offer. :)

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  4. In some sick, twisted way this person that needs to be socked is obviously jealous of the attention you are getting from the people around you. Those that are loving, praying for, and supporting you in any way possible. This person has a real issue about what its like to be a true friend. That's the only conclusion I can come to. Please don't worry about them any more. Um, your plate is kinda full with much more important things. :) I can make you some really cute crocheted hats, too! I can do the fun flowers and everything! BUT, I think everyone will be too busy noticing your beautiful smile to notice anything else. So always make sure you wear that :)

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    1. You're so sweet Krista. Thanks. :)

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