I was so afraid of what it would be like once I started chemo. I'm irritated that the hardest part so far has been emotionally. I'm trying to deal with the things that were said about me but it's not an easy thing for me to let go of. I fall asleep thinking about it. I wake up thinking about it and can't fall back to sleep. I'm irritated that I can't control how it affects me. I don't want this added stress right now. For the sake of my unborn baby, I need to stop letting it eat at me. The thing that bothers me so much is that what was said is a reflection of the hearts involved. What was said is a reflection of a negative opinion of me. What was said was done behind my back. If I've said something that offends, I expect a true friend to come to me with that rather than letting it fester and turn their heart hard toward me. Just because I have cancer doesn't mean that my loved ones should be afraid to tell me how they feel. I'm not perfect. I know that fact very well. I know I'm not going to be perfect throughout this hard time. Those surrounding me will most likely see me at my absolute worst. This is a time in my life that is bringing out ALL of my weaknesses as well as my strengths. What I need through this time is to be surrounded by people who are going to love me despite my weaknesses and to help me grow...to call me out on my crap in a LOVING way, in a compassionate way.
I don't know the whole story of exactly how the hurtful situation came to be. But from what I do know, it all started with some comments I made within the first several days of my diagnosis. At the time I was in shock and every thought going through my head was sarcastic. I said many things that I never thought someone would take seriously. One of these things that I said, from what I've been told, is one that motivated the comment. I said, "If I have to have cancer and go bald, I'm going to be the only one. Everyone else around me has to have hair, even the baby, if he's born without hair, he'll have to wear a wig." Never in my life would I expect someone to take me seriously. If you know me at all, you know that I am not looking forward to getting attention from having no hair. Who would think that in the same conversation that I'm talking about making my baby wear a wig, that anything else I said would be serious? I just don't get it. I could type about this all day long. There are so many different aspects of this that are hurtful and confusing. For someone who knows me to think that of me, hurts my pride. For people who love me to mock me, breaks my heart. To lose faith and trust in people I love, when I need them to be by my side walking me through this is so disappointing. To lose sleep and to cry over this is maddening.
Note: To those of you have have tried to comment and have been unable, I changed the restrictions on comments. You can now comment freely...even as anonymous. No need to comment on FB because you couldn't comment here anymore. You can still comment on FB too. I don't mind either way. :)
(PS. Commenting as anonymous is kinda lame if you ask me.)