Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Sometimes Things Get a Little Bit Worse

I woke up this morning at 4 am and couldn't go back to sleep and that has made for a very long day for me.  I had an appointment with the perinatologist in Santa Barbara at 8:45.  We had another ultrasound of the little guy and he is simply perfect.  The only problem is that I have placenta previa.  I'm pretty irritated about it too.  I finally have full use of my arm after the surgery and am feeling like I am capable of doing some exercise and this happens.  The doctor says no sex, no lifting, and no excess walking.  He actually said, "For the next month you need to be a couch potato."  Are you kidding me?  I've been a couch potato for the past month and a half.  Then the guy has the nerve to ask me if I want to test for downs syndrome.  I'm 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  Don't you think that if I was interested in doing testing to make sure my baby is perfect that I would have done it by now?  I don't know that my response to him was very polite.  I said, "No thanks.  I want to keep my baby no matter what so I don't need the testing."

After that appointment, I had another appointment at the cancer center for a shot.  It's all part of the routine.  Monday I go in for chemo and 24 hours later I go in for a shot of a drug that I don't know the name of.  At least I know what it does.  It stimulates the bone marrow to start producing more good cells after the chemo obliterates all the good and the bad.

Tonight I'm pretty upset.  I feel like I've had one disappointment after another.  It makes it worse when I feel like I have a conflict at home too.  My husband is unhappy living at my parents house and I'm terrified of not living here and having the help.  A tough situation to resolve when you have two stubborn people unwilling to budge.  And here's one more to add to the end of my day... After the kids went to bed, my daughter started crying hysterically.  When I went in, I asked her why she was crying.  She said, "I'm afraid the baby in your tummy is going to die."  I started sobbing.  I couldn't even say anything to comfort her because I couldn't stop myself from crying.  Crying from my own fear and also mourning for my 5 year old little girl who should not have to worry about things like this.  I'm also angry at myself for not being strong enough to comfort her when she needed it.  I can blame it on the pregnancy hormones making me too emotional.  I can blame it on the fact that I have cancer and just started receiving chemo yesterday.  I can blame it on the continuous disappointment I've had over the last week.  I can combine them all together and try to blame it on the group as a whole.  It doesn't really matter though.  My little girl needed comfort and I couldn't provide it and there is no excuse for that.

1 comment:

  1. Becky, you are an incredible person and mother. :) Diligently praying for healing for you. Your girl knows she is loved, don't be so hard on yourself.