Today I was invited to go shopping with two of my friends, Heidi and Erika. I told them I can't because I'm not supposed to be walking around but I wish I could because I need to buy some hats to prepare for the loss of my hair. Heidi tells me she's going to shop for hats for me. Heidi and Erika went out shopping. Erika tried on the hats. Heidi took pictures and texted them to me to find out which ones I liked. It was so cute and sweet and kind. I thoroughly enjoyed sitting on the couch laughing at the photos of funny looking hats they sent as a joke. After they finished shopping, they brought me the hats and they all fit (which is a miracle because of my huge head) and they were all adorable!
I now have the hats but I am totally unprepared to lose my hair. I'm going to cry when I have to shave it all off. I don't want to look like a cancer patient. I could go get a wig but I don't like the way they look and I don't want one on my head. I just don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to lay in bed at night next to my husband with only one breast and a bald head. Soon enough that will be the situation I find myself in. I'm pretty sure the hair loss started today.
I'm thinking about the loss of my breast and it's not even a close comparison. Logically it makes no sense to me that I should fear the loss of my hair more than the loss of my breast but that's exactly how I feel. I really don't think I ever mourned the loss of my breast. As soon as I found out it was cancer, I wanted it off of me and I couldn't get it off soon enough. It was a relief to have it removed. On the day of my mastectomy, the only emotion I remember feeling was fear that I wouldn't wake up. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and I moved myself onto the operating table. They started hooking me up to all the machines. As soon as they put the oxygen mask on my face I started to cry. I don't know who it was but someone wiped away my tears and spoke soothing words as the drugs put me under. When I woke up I was just relieved to be alive and to have the cancer removed from my body. So why can't I just accept the hair loss and stop obsessing about it?
I did end this post with the above paragraph and then decided to add more to it because I feel like I need to vent. Who do I vent to? I'm sitting here at 1 am feeling sorry for myself. I feel so selfish. How can I go from one extreme to the other in just a matter of a couple of hours? I felt happy all day long, blessed by my friends and family. How silly am I to feel alone when I am surrounded by loved ones showing me love in so many ways? I'm so tempted right now to just go into the bathroom and cut my hair off...not shave it completely but to just throw it into a pony tail and chop it off. Everyone keeps telling me that it's just hair and it will grow back. I know that and I feel so irrational letting it affect me so greatly.
I just went into the bathroom and brushed out my hair, put it into a pony tail, took the scissors in my hand and I couldn't do it...