Four years ago I found out I was pregnant. My fourth child. I knew before I had even missed a period. I was excited. I was the healthiest I had ever been in my life. I was running and doing yoga four to five times a week. I felt amazing. I decided to have a home birth. Two of my three previous births were done completely natural. This one would be easy. I found a midwife who started coming to my home to do my check ups. On her second visit she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was having anxiety. I felt like something bad was going to happen. She asked about it. I told her I knew it sounded crazy but I was worried I was going to have cancer during my pregnancy. Two weeks later I found the lump in my breast.
Intuition is a powerful thing when we listen. More often than not, it is too hard to differentiate between fear and intuition. As I have gone through the trials the last four years have presented me with, I have learned so much about myself and fear. I have had to learn how to accept whatever life throws at me. (Just stating for the record that I have yet to learn how to not fear being vulnerable. That's a whole different issue.)
Three months ago, as I was waiting for the results of the PET scan that would tell me for sure if cancer was yet again trying to kill me, I went in to my doctor's office. They took my blood pressure. 210/102. I knew the news was bad. The anxiety was so intense that I could barely breath. Two weeks ago, I had another PET scan. I went in to get the results. They took my blood pressure. 111/59. The results were good. The treatment is working. My body is reacting just as it should. I am winning and I can feel it.