Friday, October 11, 2013

Adam Gave Up a Rib... I Guess I Can Too

Infections are a nasty thing.  I've been battling this stupid infection at my mastectomy site for I don't even know how long.  I know the severe pain started when I was going through radiation.  I suspect that the infection started long before radiation back to almost a year ago when I had my expander surgery one week after Zeek was born.  That makes the most sense to me.  That would have given this infection plenty of time to wreak havoc in my body.  I went back to the infection doctor yesterday because the infection symptoms keep coming back every time I go off of antibiotics.  He thinks it's a bone infection.  Bone infections are very difficult to treat.  When he said that, it scared the crap out of me.  Are you saying I'm winning the battle with cancer but an infection could kill me?  He said no but he will need to be very aggressive in treating the bone infection and possibly need to surgically remove the suspected rib.  Zeek and I left his office and I started crying tears of frustration.  I want to be done.  I don't want to lose any more time or body parts.  I've lost my hair.  I've lost a boob.  I've actually had to go through the emotional loss of my breast three times now.  The first time when I had my mastectomy.  The second time when we found out the expander was put in the wrong place.  The third time when I had to have the replaced expander removed because of infection.  Now I might have to have ribs removed?  How much more disfigured can I become?  Yes...poor me...poor me...but today all I can think of is... You can take my hair, you can take my breast, you can even have some ribs... but you cannot take my life... you cannot take my joy.  Cheesy, I know.  I'm feeling the cheesiness... especially today when I'm feeling down.  But I believe in the power of positive thinking, fake it 'til you make it, denial... whatever works to keep me out of the dumps.  Most of all, I trust God with my life.  My suffering is nothing compared to what Jesus endured here on Earth.  I don't say that lightly either.  It's not just the good Christian thing to say.  I truly believe it to the depths of my soul.  My suffering is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. 

Well, on to bigger and better things.  The party in celebration of Ezekiel's 1st birthday, my being cancer free for one year, and a housewarming party all together on one big happy day.  October 27th is the day.  I would really love for everyone to come.  I want to celebrate with all of you who have walked with me through the past year and a half.  You have supported, encouraged, loved, and prayed for Ezekiel and for me and I am so grateful for you all.  I sent out a FaceBook invite and sent an evite to those who I have email addresses for but if you haven't received an invite and would like to attend, please send me an email and I will send an evite. (Lisa Gallardo- you have been a huge blessing to me through all your encouragement and love and meals.  I don't have your email address but I would love it if you could come.)

Sunday Zeek and I will be doing a 5k fundraiser for the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara.  This is where I received all my treatment.  All monies raised will go towards research for clinical trials.  Last year my friend Heidi did this even in my honor.  I was 9 months pregnant and bald and had tears in my eyes as I watched her cross the finish line.  I get emotional just thinking about what it means to me to be able to do the event this year while pushing my precious little breast cancer survivor in the jogger.  If you are interested in sponsoring me, here is the link for my donation page.