Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Running Away

Life is so much easier when I can find something to distract me.  Distractions have become a vital part of my life for the past couple of years.  Before cancer, when things were hard in my marriage it was reading.  I used to pick up a book and finish it within 24 hours.  Reading was my escape from reality.  While I was going through treatment I didn't have the energy to read.  I tried.  I just couldn't focus or keep my eyes open long enough to finish a book...and besides took every ounce of energy I had to keep it figure out how to function.  I just couldn't handle distractions.  After treatment was over I needed a new escape.  I started playing a game on my phone.  It is a social game where you play with other people.  I started making friends through the game.  It was perfect.  I started interacting with people through the game...people who knew nothing about me...people who I could choose what they knew about me.  They didn't know I had short hair because it was just growing back from being bald.  I got to start fresh and decide what they knew about me.  I needed to have interaction with people who didn't look at me with pity in their eyes...people who didn't know...  I craved conversation about the weather...small talk...people who learned to like me for my personality, without their opinions being tainted by what I have been through.  This game has been my escape for the past year.  The funny thing is that I have made some real friendships with people I have met.  There are two women I've met who I am positive are friends for life.

Sometimes there is just no escaping reality  No matter how hard I try to pull away...sometimes reality still just slaps me in the face.  Today is one of those days.  I am so overwhelmed with anxiety.  I can't breathe.  I can't think.  I can't feel.  I am numb.  I want to run away.  There is nowhere to run though.  I have made choices in my life and I am now suffering the consequences.  I married a man who destroyed me emotionally.  The odd thing about this situation is that I don't see myself as one of those women who typically ends up in my situation.  I always looked at women in my situation as weak...insecure...damaged.  I've never thought of myself as insecure.  I know my value.  I just didn't understand why my husband didn't see it.  I fought...I fought hard and I failed.  Now things are a mess.  I have four children who love their father.  Their father is a man I can't stand to be around...a man who I don't even want to think about.  It's a mess.  Sometimes I spend all day long receiving text messages from him...things I don't want to read...hurtful's exhausting.   I am surrounded by people who love me...people who are concerned for me and my children.  I am so blessed but that blessing can also be such a curse at the same time.  I know how terrible that sounds but it's how I feel.  I am so exhausted from dealing with the soon to be ex-husband and then I show up at my nephew's basketball game...I sit down on the bleachers next to my mom and my sister and all the questions begin...did he really do that?...did he really say that? did the kids react?...are they okay?...are your lawyers taking care of this? you need me to have a talk with your lawyer?...  The weight bearing down on me is so heavy already.  I love that they care so much...that they love me...that they love my kids...but I can't breathe.  The air is thin.  I am suffocating.  Where can I run to?

Monday, January 12, 2015

Who Shares This Crap?

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to the pigs.  If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.
                                                                                                                      Matthew 7:6

Sometimes I think to myself...why do I feel the need to share my deepest feelings, my darkest thoughts, my heart...?  There are times when I can feel the judgement from those around me.  Why?  Why do I choose to put my private life out there for the world to see?  The funny thing about this...I didn't start questioning this until I blogged about non-cancer related topics.  Why is it okay to blog about cancer but not about a failed marriage?  Why is truth and vulnerability only okay if it's about illness?  It's okay to blog about the fear of death brought on by cancer but not the fear of having my heart broken again after a failed marriage?  I am black and white.  Fear is fear and pain is pain.  I have nothing to hide.  I am imperfect.  That's old news.  I choose to continue on writing whatever is on my heart.  I no longer care what people think.  I guess walking around bald and with one boob...seeing strangers look at me with my four children noticing that I have no ring on my wedding finger...maybe these things have left me realizing that I just don't care anymore about the judgments of those around me.  And most importantly...I believe that truth is the best medicine for my soul.  I also believe that hiding the truth from my children will only do more harm than good.  

I have a friend who recently started dating again after her divorce.  She was telling me about this dating app she uses.  She told me I should try it.  I laughed.  That is so not me...but then I started thinking about it.  What I look like on paper...  
35 years old.  Four children.  One real breast (but don't the process of finishing reconstruction of a new breast).  Unemployed.  Has completed some college (just the classes I found worthy of showing up for the final).  Lives with parents.  
I actually thought about creating a profile just for the sake of being able to laugh at how terrible it would look.  

I guess I'm kinda hinting at the idea that putting my heart out there again is terrifying.  My heart has been broken so many times...repeatedly by the same man.  I'm afraid that I am damaged beyond repair.  I am worried that my wounds are too deep.  I am terrified that my scars are too hideous to allow me to be still lovable.  

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Too Honest (revised without the honesty)

Once again I didn't send out a Christmas here it is.  I find these photos so fitting for my new family dynamic...selfie style...personalities are expressed perfectly.  Bubba (Ezekiel), on my hip...going with the flow and always smiling.  Ephraim, silly and always making the best of any situation.  Daphne, with her precious dimples, smiling, laughing, and finding a way to antagonize anyone in her presence. mini me...stubborn...hates pictures...incapable of pretending to be something he's not...what you see is what you is black and white...  This is our new and my precious gifts from a failed marriage.  

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Psalm 127:3 

I had posted about issues that I was unable to be honest about while I was still married.  I ended up removing it all because it was requested.  Several times I have had permission to post this truth, however, it turned into a big mess.  I was accused of posting untruths...but the truth was written and some people don't like to have the truth brought to light.  It's unfortunate.