Monday, February 4, 2013


It's Monday... the chemo kind of Monday.  Ten down, two to go kind of Monday.  The kind of Monday where I can see that light at the end of the tunnel getting so much closer.  The kind of Monday where I actually thought about having hair again (tear).  All I could think about while I was in treatment today was that I will be finished in two more weeks!  I want to tell everyone in the treatment center (where they've stuck me with needles and pumped me full of poison) that I'll never see them again because I am done with cancer forever.  But can I say that?  Can I say that  I believe the cancer is gone and will never return?  I'm so afraid to say it because I'm afraid of being wrong.  But you know what?  I said it anyways!  I said to my nurses, "Two more treatments and I won't ever be back."  Of course it's not true because I love my nurses and when I go to see my oncologist for my regular check ups, I will definitely stop in to see those wonderful ladies who have taken such good care of me.  In the end, if I'm wrong... well then... I'll just be wrong.  But I am believing with as much as I can that I am right!

For the past several weeks I have really been struggling.  My treatment has been so long and drawn out.  It has been such a long time to be in a place physically that I have no control over.  I am miserable physically.  I've complained about it all before... over and over and over again.  It's getting old.  I'm sick of complaining. I just want to fix it already.  I'm ready to get on with my life but I can't because I'm stuck in the muck of side effects from chemotherapy and discouragement from all the extra pounds I've put on and not being able to exercise until this stupid cold goes away (going on 3 months now).  Today I even started with a new side effect from the chemo.  I am now experiencing numbness, tingling, and throbbing pain in my hands.  This is bad new for the mom of a baby that needs to be carried... especially for a mom who really dislikes asking for help. I thought I had avoided this common and dreaded side effect but here I am experiencing it right at the end...and thankful it waited until the end to rear its ugly head.

At my appointment this morning, Dr. Kass (my oncologist) informed me that my counts are borderline low and he expects that they will stay there for the rest of my treatment.  I'm assuming that this means my cold will be staying for a little while longer as well as the continuous bloody nose and the mouth sores as my body can't heal very well while my counts are low.  Continued prayer for the health of those around me for the next few weeks, please!

I'm struggling physically which leads to a heightened emotional struggle.  When I find I am overcome with frustration and discouragement, my perspective on life needs to be put in check.  Today I was reading an update from my friend who like me was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant.  I hope she doesn't mind that I'm quoting her but what she said brought tears to my eyes because I see so much beauty in what she said.

"I am jealous of old ladies.  This morning in radiation, two old ladies were complaining about their cancers.
Both had lumpectomies and were now in for their required radiation.  I wanted to stop them and tell them
how envious I was of them and their YEARS they have been on this earth probably raising babies and
vacationing and living life.  Old ladies look at me and my skin and want it.  I want wrinkles.
How ironic, huh?  I long to be old and vertical.  Ladies...those in their senior are so blessed.
Think how many people wish they could be like you and never got a chance due to cancer, tragedy, heart
disease, etc.  You are the most blessed people of all!  A grandmother in my opinion has it all...
being able to see your children's children.  So don't be envious of youth....
Be thankful for you have been blessed!"

I was impacted by another quote I came across tonight from a book called Same Life, New Story.  I LOVE this book.  I believe this book to be so relevant as it talks about changing your perspective in order to change your life.  It reminded me of a conversation I had with a dear friend this past weekend.  We became friends in high school and then lost touch for many years.  We got together one on one for the first time in a long time and caught up on life.  What was shared was so painful but there was so much beauty in it.  Pain is part of life.  Life is beautiful.  My friend shared the pain of her story with me and I saw beauty.  When I was first diagnosed I was told I would look back at this year as the "lost year".  I hope not.  I don't want to lose any time at all... even if that time was filled with pain.  My hope is that those who know me can look back with me and see the beauty in my painful journey.  Perspective put in check.

"Life is a whole string of nows knit together with friendship and songs, 
heartaches and tears, fears and courage, passion and compassion, 
depression and elation, patience and impatience, and more...
So don't miss life.  
Take up your life and walk, whether it's happy or sad,
 angry or disappointing, ecstatic, hopeful, heart wrenching or tender.  
You name it.  
Just don't miss it."

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