Monday, February 11, 2013


It's chemo Monday!  Chemo Monday means steroids.  Steroids mean I have enough energy to come up with the words to update my blog.  Number 11 of taxol chemotherapy complete.  Number 17 total since I was diagnosed.  That's a whole lot of chemo.  ONE MORE LEFT!  In one week from today I will receive my last infusion.  That statement seriously brings tears of joy to my eyes!

Today and yesterday have been two really hard days for me emotionally.  I have been inundated with a complete assortment of crappy emotions.  Those crappy emotions have been exacerbated by a child with a 102 degree temperature, a piece of my son's braces falling off, my daughter crying herself to sleep last night because she's afraid I'm going to die because I got too close to her brother with the fever and then she was feeling sick today, a baby who didn't take a good nap all day yesterday, and then to top it all off I only got two hours of fitful sleep last night.  I  couldn't fall asleep and then when I finally did, I could only drift in and out of sleep and woke up to every little sound as if I was listening to hear the front door open.  Some of those crappy emotions I've been feeling are associated with guilt.  I have a pretty bad case of mommy guilt.  I feel guilt for not wanting to hold Zeek when I'm feeling exhausted and out of energy.  I feel guilt for constantly scolding my son who has ADHD and showing my constant frustration with his inability to follow simple instructions.  I feel guilt for hating homework.  Homework is exhausting!  Homework is by far the most unenjoyable parenting responsibility.  The list goes on and on.

Last night my sister called at just the wrong time.  I ended up unloading all of my crap onto her, venting my frustrations, and crying my eyes out.  This morning I woke up feeling despair and like a failure.  I went to chemo and sat through it like a zombie, too tired to feel or think.  On the drive home, the steroids started to kick in.  I got home and tried to take a nap but the wheels had started turning in my mind and I couldn't turn them off.  I got up out of bed and put my hands to work crocheting myself a hat.  As I was sitting there I started to think about this past ten months and the different places I've been emotionally.  I thought about the ups and the downs.  This current period of feeling down has been a long one.  I have been feeling "poor me" for a couple of months.  I knew my weaknesses would be revealed through this process and surprisingly I'm not embarrassed by it.  I can look back and read the tone of my blogs and see the "poor me" in my words.  I can recall conversations where the "poor me" is palpable.  The hope at the end of this journey has been too far away to allow myself to feel it.  Without hope, what else is there?  The answer for me... self pity.  As I was sitting there realizing how pathetically human and imperfect I am (like this is totally some kind of profound revelation), I cried out to God in my heart.  "I am done trying to fake it through this part.  I want to be filled with joy despite my circumstance.  Fill me with joy."  And that was that.  Tonight I look at all those crappy emotions I was feeling and they don't seem so bad.  I can't dwell on those crappy emotions if I'm filled with joy.  This will be a daily struggle for me... to not just know that I am blessed but to feel the joy of those blessings.  I want to not only feel the joy of His blessings but to share His joy as well.

"Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you."
Psalm 86:4

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy."
Psalm 94:19

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