Chemo Delay

This morning I went to get my third treatment over with.  I arrived at my appointment to find out that I can't get treatment today because I am neutropenic.  My immune system is basically non-existent. This really is a very unfortunate set back because everyone is getting sick around here and I now have to wait for my body to recover before I can get back on track with my treatment.  A one week delay doesn't seem that bad but this process has already been so drawn out.  Most people receive chemo treatment for five to six months.  Mine is being drawn out over nine months.  That's a really long time.  Well, I guess my doctor is working to get Neulasta or Neupogen injections approved by my insurance company.  I didn't know my PPO insurance had to approve for me to get a shot of medication that will stimulate my bone marrow to start producing more of those good blood cells that were killed off by the chemo drugs.  Apparently the insurance company needs to have the final say on whether or not my health is important.  It terrifies me to think what will happen when Obama Care goes into effect and the government gets to make these kinds of decisions.  Right now the government gets to hold the insurance companies accountable.  Who holds the government accountable when they're in control of socialized medicine?... Survival of the fittest?  Anyhow... I claim chemo brain on that little health care tangent... or maybe I'll refer to it as common sense. Ha!  Can you tell I'm a Capitalism loving conservative?

So... as the days go by I can feel myself falling further and further into this foggy and dull state of mind.  At the beginning of this whole journey I had a sense of humor, hope, energy.  Now I just feel like I'm too tired to feel much of anything.  Sometimes I just sit down, rest my chin on my palm and stare off into oblivion.  It's already been almost 8 months.  I found the lump/mass on April 18.  That's when I stopped exercising.  I had the biopsy, moved, had the mastectomy, placenta previa, bed rest, chemo, delivered a baby, expander surgery, chemo...etc.  Those are a lot of good excuses as to why I couldn't exercise... all of them legitimate.  Now I'm ready to start exercising again and I can't seem to motivate myself to get up and just do it.  I'm tired... so tired.  I feel like crap... all flabby and chubby from gaining weight during the pregnancy and not using any muscles for the past 8 months.  

A couple days ago I came across an article on the drug tamoxifen.  This is the drug I will be taking after I'm finished with treatment.  It is a hormone therapy drug for estrogen receptor positive breast cancer... my cancer.  The article mentioned a decrease in the mortality rate if the drug is taken for 10 years rather than 5 years.  The mortality rate drops from 20% to 18%.  Wow!  I have avoided these kinds of statistics.  I have a 18 - 20% chance of death within the next five years.  I am not prepared to hear that.  I am not prepared to think about that... and yet... here I am being forced to.  

I will stop with the blog here because I have vented all of my nasty negative emotions and I'm ready to let it go and move on.  I will end with something positive though.  My little chemo baby is fat as can be and he is starting to get really interactive.  He is working really hard on cooing and gets a couple out here and there.  I love this age where it seems like you can actually watch the daily changes.  I love baby smiles and Zeek gives me plenty to brighten my day.