So... as the days go by I can feel myself falling further and further into this foggy and dull state of mind. At the beginning of this whole journey I had a sense of humor, hope, energy. Now I just feel like I'm too tired to feel much of anything. Sometimes I just sit down, rest my chin on my palm and stare off into oblivion. It's already been almost 8 months. I found the lump/mass on April 18. That's when I stopped exercising. I had the biopsy, moved, had the mastectomy, placenta previa, bed rest, chemo, delivered a baby, expander surgery, chemo...etc. Those are a lot of good excuses as to why I couldn't exercise... all of them legitimate. Now I'm ready to start exercising again and I can't seem to motivate myself to get up and just do it. I'm tired... so tired. I feel like crap... all flabby and chubby from gaining weight during the pregnancy and not using any muscles for the past 8 months.
A couple days ago I came across an article on the drug tamoxifen. This is the drug I will be taking after I'm finished with treatment. It is a hormone therapy drug for estrogen receptor positive breast cancer... my cancer. The article mentioned a decrease in the mortality rate if the drug is taken for 10 years rather than 5 years. The mortality rate drops from 20% to 18%. Wow! I have avoided these kinds of statistics. I have a 18 - 20% chance of death within the next five years. I am not prepared to hear that. I am not prepared to think about that... and yet... here I am being forced to.
I will stop with the blog here because I have vented all of my nasty negative emotions and I'm ready to let it go and move on. I will end with something positive though. My little chemo baby is fat as can be and he is starting to get really interactive. He is working really hard on cooing and gets a couple out here and there. I love this age where it seems like you can actually watch the daily changes. I love baby smiles and Zeek gives me plenty to brighten my day.