Monday was my last chemo during pregnancy... no more chemo for Luke Skywalker. Being at the cancer center for my last treatment was extremely odd for me emotionally. It was very unsettling. It was similar to the feeling of saying goodbye to someone you won't be seeing for a long time. There was a little bit of apprehension, a little anxiety. The nurse even pointed out to me my lack of enthusiasm for my last treatment. It actually irritated me that she would notice or point it out like it was something abnormal. Should I be relieved that I have a break in treatment? I don't think so. Of course I'm happy that my baby won't be subjected to it anymore but for me it's not over. I have a break from treatment, I will deliver my little boy, and then I get to start it all again except at a much higher intensity... weekly... with a new born. It's also unsettling to know that for two months I'll be receiving no treatment at all. Inaction makes me nervous. I didn't get to see my oncologist on Monday because he was out on vacation and that made it all even more unsettling. What happens next? Do I just call after the baby is born and say, "Hey, fit me into the schedule for my next 12 weeks of chemo."? I have so many more questions too. What about breast feeding? What about scans? My sister, Cyndi, suggested that I have a PET scan done while I'm still in the hospital after I deliver baby boy. No thanks! I want to go to the hospital to have a baby and leave filled with joy by the new little life. I don't want to have to even think about results of a scan. I am eager to get the scan done but I just want a few days of baby without thinking about cancer.
Today I am 35 weeks pregnant. I haven't had an ultrasound in a whole 4 weeks. I actually asked to not have one at my last two appointments because I felt like it was getting a bit excessive. They've already confirmed on multiple occasions that he is healthy. Besides, there are studies out there that state that ultrasounds aren't very good for babies. I do have one more ultrasound scheduled for next week. I'll meet with the perinatologist to check on his growth and amniotic fluid levels.
My last post was about fear. I've been thinking a lot about the emotions that come along with cancer. They have to be dealt with. I have to think about them and experience them. If I can acknowledge those emotions right now and start to process them, it's going to make it easier in the long run. The last thing I want to do is to push the emotions aside and let them build up to be dealt with later. I'd much rather deal with poopy diapers later than have to worry about unresolved emotions.