It isn't often that I'm alone. Tonight, John and the boys went to the races with my dad and Daphne and my mom went to the movies. I was actually looking forward to the time alone... until I was actually alone. I'm alone and now I have time to sit and think. So often people say how strong I am but I feel weak and pathetic... especially when I'm alone. It takes away all the distractions and forces me to be alone with my thoughts. It gives me time to reflect on everything and I don't really want to. I have become dependent on distractions. I don't think I've really processed or dealt with any of my feelings. How strong can I actually be? I don't think I am strong at all. I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister... but this situation I'm in has stripped me of the ability to fulfill those roles in the way I want to. I am those things in title only. I know it's really harsh to state it like that but it's how I feel. I feel useless. I feel alone and it's true that cancer can be such a lonely road.
Wednesday when I met with my OB, I asked her about removing my ovaries. My cancer is estrogen receptive, so I'm thinking... hey, let's get rid of the production of estrogen. Oh... and while you're in there, maybe you can just remove my uterus too because my paternal grandmother died of uterine cancer... and let's not forget the other breast. That has to go too. I was telling my husband, dad, and sister about this conversation with my OB and they were shocked. John said, "why don't you just stop driving because there's a risk of dying in an auto accident?" I totally agree with him. That's usually the stand I take when it comes to living in fear. But that's where the feelings of loneliness come in. I'm alone in my thoughts and fears. I am alone in my feelings of inadequacy. I'm alone in feeling like a bald, pregnant, one breasted freak. I've never thought of myself as a support group type of person but maybe that's where I need to go to not feel this way. Maybe just having someone understand my irrational thinking would resolve that for me. Well, I know that's not the answer either. It might help a little bit but the only way to truly find peace in this is to relinquish it to the Lord. Oh yeah, I'm not alone. He is my strength. I forgot that it's okay for me to be weak because God is right here with me just waiting for me to accept His comfort and to stop letting my irrational thoughts hold me captive.
Ask your church if they know of a support group! It's right here: "Maybe just having someone understand my irrational thinking would resolve that for me." It's not irrational thinking. What you are going through IS scary! I'm terrified for you!
ReplyDeletePeople who have never had a car accident drive like they're invincible. But once they've had an accident they grow fearful of driving. I drove at 25 mph for a loooong time after mine when I was 19. I MADE Ian drive after his accident last month. He didn't want to. Comparing cancer to driving only works this way. But I doubt you'll find a doctor to remove everything because you're afraid to get more cancer. I've seen more than one person ask that and get turned down.
The reason I think support groups are a good idea is that they have people who have the same thoughts, fears, and experiences as you. You would find kindred spirits. You would find support from people who KNOW what you're going through. Maybe you can be a source of strength for someone ELSE! You have an AMAZING support network! I'm awed (and slightly envious), but maybe having people with shared experiences would be the final brick you need for that wall of strength.
Lately I've seen people handed unusually heavy crosses to bear. You are one of them. It's okay to be alone with those thoughts. It's okay to be vulnerable once in a while. Maybe you need those thoughts to work something out.
Thanks, June. I totally agree with you. I need to be alone with my thoughts. I have to process all of the emotions at some point and the longer that I distract myself, the longer it will take for me to actually deal with them. Thanks for the support! <3
DeleteOh Babygirl, my heart hurts for you, yet I know you already have an outstanding support system within your family, and you know you have HIM to lean on...HE will NEVER let you down....it is now that there are only one set of footprints in the sand...remember that...
ReplyDeleteYou are not weak...just human, Rebecca. I know that hurts, but it's true! ha! I can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes these days but you've come a long way baby so keep hanging in there. I know that groups sharing similar pains and successes can help each other out (...) so listen to your heart if that's where God is leading you next. You never know where you'll find your next good friends! Hugs, Karen
ReplyDeleteThanks, Karen. I like the (...)! And I think being human and being weak are kinda one and the same. :)
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