It isn't often that I'm alone. Tonight, John and the boys went to the races with my dad and Daphne and my mom went to the movies. I was actually looking forward to the time alone... until I was actually alone. I'm alone and now I have time to sit and think. So often people say how strong I am but I feel weak and pathetic... especially when I'm alone. It takes away all the distractions and forces me to be alone with my thoughts. It gives me time to reflect on everything and I don't really want to. I have become dependent on distractions. I don't think I've really processed or dealt with any of my feelings. How strong can I actually be? I don't think I am strong at all. I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister... but this situation I'm in has stripped me of the ability to fulfill those roles in the way I want to. I am those things in title only. I know it's really harsh to state it like that but it's how I feel. I feel useless. I feel alone and it's true that cancer can be such a lonely road.
Wednesday when I met with my OB, I asked her about removing my ovaries. My cancer is estrogen receptive, so I'm thinking... hey, let's get rid of the production of estrogen. Oh... and while you're in there, maybe you can just remove my uterus too because my paternal grandmother died of uterine cancer... and let's not forget the other breast. That has to go too. I was telling my husband, dad, and sister about this conversation with my OB and they were shocked. John said, "why don't you just stop driving because there's a risk of dying in an auto accident?" I totally agree with him. That's usually the stand I take when it comes to living in fear. But that's where the feelings of loneliness come in. I'm alone in my thoughts and fears. I am alone in my feelings of inadequacy. I'm alone in feeling like a bald, pregnant, one breasted freak. I've never thought of myself as a support group type of person but maybe that's where I need to go to not feel this way. Maybe just having someone understand my irrational thinking would resolve that for me. Well, I know that's not the answer either. It might help a little bit but the only way to truly find peace in this is to relinquish it to the Lord. Oh yeah, I'm not alone. He is my strength. I forgot that it's okay for me to be weak because God is right here with me just waiting for me to accept His comfort and to stop letting my irrational thoughts hold me captive.