This is my fourth attempt at blogging in the past several days. It's so hard for me to come up with the words right now to describe what I'm going through. Most of the time I feel like I'm doing just fine but then I have an emotional break down and I wonder if I'm just in denial. I have trouble getting excited about things or even thinking about the future. I have cancer and I'm afraid. I still have no idea what stage the cancer is. I don't know if it's anywhere in my body other than in my breast... well not in my breast anymore because my breast is gone. Sometimes I'm filled with fear. I try not to let it affect the way I live or the way I think but that fear still just creeps up on me. Right now my baby is healthy from everything we can tell but I'm still afraid. My faith is strong and I know that the fear is not from the Lord. I trust Him with my life and the life of my baby but I'm still afraid. Is that a contradiction... trust and fear in the same sentence?
My sister is going to have a baby shower for me. I keep telling her that I feel uncomfortable having a baby shower for my 4th child. She says she doesn't care and that this baby needs to be celebrated...especially since it's been almost six years since I had my last baby and I no longer have any baby stuff. I'm wondering if deep down I'm afraid to celebrate this baby yet or is this just how it is with the 4th pregnancy? I don't think it can be that it's my 4th pregnancy because as soon as I found out I was pregnant I was in awe of the miracle of his little life forming inside of me. I love being pregnant. I love feeling that my body is doing something so special. I love feeling him move. I even love child birth. It is the most amazing thing to me. I've always compared child birth to running a marathon. It's exhausting and painful but as soon as you cross the finish line, the rush of endorphins makes the pain so worth it... not to mention that you have this amazing little bundle of joy.
Anyhow, my little bundle of joy doesn't have a name yet. I'm worried that I still won't have picked anything by the time he's born and we'll end up having to go with the name the kids want for him... Luke Skywalker Raymond.