It's 5 am and I'm sitting here on the couch while on vacation in Lake Tahoe because I'm unable to sleep. Yesterday I was on the verge of tears all day long and then this morning I woke up at 4 am with tears uncontrollably running down my cheeks...and I'm pissed off about it. I'm tired of this cancer crap. I'm tired of feeling fragile. Cancer is a dark cloud hovering over my head that I can't escape. It's with me everywhere I go. It's part of me. It's in my missing breast. It's displayed on my bald head. It's all I think about. I'm tired of it being the topic of conversation. I don't want to be treated special because I have cancer. I don't want to be sitting here on the couch feeling sorry for myself because of cancer.
I get jealous. I see pregnant women or women with newborns and I feel jealousy...and I feel stupid for feeling jealous. I'm carrying my baby to the best of my ability and my body is doing a pretty good job so far, so I don't understand the jealousy. Yeah, I don't get to enjoy this pregnancy the same way I would if the circumstances were different but is that something I should really feel jealousy over? Pregnancy is filled with fear of the unknown whether you have cancer or not. I will miss out on breast feeding my baby. I will be going through chemo with a newborn. So what? My baby boy is a miracle. I have no reason to be jealous.
I'm filled with conflicted emotions. I read back over what I've typed and tell myself to get over it, just deal with it, to stop allowing it to affect me in such a negative way. But then I rationalize my feelings. They are a display of my weakness...my flesh. My fickle emotions. I'm feeling down right now...in this moment. I know my emotional routine. I get down, I vent and then I move on.
Physically I'm doing okay with the exception of the occasional nausea. Smells affect me greatly and can bring on a wave of nausea in an instant. Yesterday one of my kids ran back from the beach to our cabin to go to the bathroom and didn't make it in time. I wasn't able to clean it up without getting sick. The smell of alcohol on people is another thing that affects me pretty severely. It gives me a lump in my throat. It feels like I'm just about to get sick to the point where I want to, just to get it over with. When my husband has had a drink before bed, it's difficult to fall asleep until the nausea subsides.
I've still been going around bald most of the time. I'm getting used to it...possibly starting to accept it. Although, I don't feel like I can ever truly accept it because I'll always be waiting for the day when I finally have hair again.