I've been trying to play it cool and failing miserably. The deal breaker guy broke my heart. I've tried to act like it wasn't a big deal but the truth is that for the first time I let myself be completely vulnerable and it felt so good. He initiated it all. He made me feel safe. He told me he was taking it seriously. He called me his girlfriend. He told my friends he wanted to make me his life partner. He made me feel.
Truth be told, I feel pathetic for caring so much after such a short period of time. We weren't together long enough for me to feel this strongly. It goes against all logic but how can I explain my heart? I can't.
After his sweet confessions of how intense he felt for me, I expressed concern about how quickly things were moving. I questioned him. This can be a fatal error. I assume this is where I went wrong. The next day he needed space. That was the end. We never had a real conversation after that. We spoke briefly twice when I ran into him while out with friends. The first time I saw him, he said the reason he couldn't do it is because of my crazy ex (which is kinda funny because he doesn't even have a clue how much conflict there actually is there). The second time I told him I hoped we could still be friends and maybe we could grab a coffee sometime. I texted him a couple days later and asked if he wanted to grab that coffee. He blew me off.
I met a new guy. He's telling me he wants to be my boyfriend. He's saying all the right things. He looks good on paper. He's sweet and attentive. I keep telling him to stop using the word boyfriend. It's too much too fast. It makes me want to run.
This whole dating thing is too...confusing. This perfect on paper guy...who's to say he won't do the same thing? He likes me but how long will that actually last? I started thinking about the deal breaker guy. I started to get pissed....like really really pissed off. He said all these things to me and let me feel safe. Then he was gone. Was it even real? If my friends hadn't seen, I wouldn't believe my own take on it. Logic wins anyhow. He couldn't have felt the way he said he did and just turn it off like that. He couldn't feel the way he said he did and just want nothing to do with me anymore. I've been played? Does it even matter? Not really...except for the fact that now I don't trust quite as easily. Now I'm afraid to let myself feel. Now I don't want to see his face ever again. I am angry.
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