Anyone who knows me well knows that I love to dance. I have no shame. I will make a complete fool of myself dancing and laughing. I feel the music and I must dance. I dance to the point where I'm dripping with sweat and my cheeks are flushed. I dance so hard that I am sore the next day.
For the past three months I haven't been able to dance. The pain has been the most intense pain I've experienced. I walk down the street and try to walk without a limp. I act like the pain isn't there. I couldn't dance. Physically, I've just been going through the motions, trying to just be normal. But I've been missing the bounce in my step. I went out with friends and had to stand back and watch them dance. I watched them let the music take over. I watched them living in the moment. I was an observer. For so long I also lived my life like this...watching others really live...standing in the background in pain...not allowing myself to feel. I was married for 14 years and I said so many times...I don't know what happened to me but this is not who I am. I used to be fun. I used to love to laugh. I used to love to dance. Over the past two years, I have found myself again. I found my love of laughter. I've let go of everything that got in the way of letting myself feel the music. Now this is how I choose to live my life. I'm not going to let anything get in the way of allowing me to feel. I am going to take chances. I am going to live life without regret. I am going to feel the pain. I am going to feel the joy. I am going to allow myself to feel deeply. I've made the choice to feel and now everything is a new experience. Whether it's laying on the beach feeling the sun on my skin and allowing the peacefulness to flow through me, or driving down the freeway with all my windows down, feeling the wind on my face while my music is turned up as loud as it will go, or putting myself out there in a relationship and sharing my heart and not holding back. I feel. Allowing myself to feel is empowering but also sometimes scary.
The other day, for the first time in months, I experienced no pain in my hip. The cancer killing pills are doing their job. I can dance. Since then, I've found myself dancing when I didn't even realize I was doing it. Dancing is good for my soul and my desire to dance tells me all is well with my soul.