Intuition

Four years ago I found out I was pregnant. My fourth child. I knew before I had even missed a period. I was excited. I was the healthiest I had ever been in my life.  I was running and doing yoga four to five times a week.  I felt amazing. I decided to have a home birth.  Two of my three previous births were done completely natural.  This one would be easy.  I found a midwife who started coming to my home to do my check ups. On her second visit she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was having anxiety.  I felt like something bad was going to happen. She asked about it.  I told her I knew it sounded crazy but I was worried I was going to have cancer during my pregnancy. Two weeks later I found the lump in my breast. 

Intuition is a powerful thing when we listen. More often than not, it is too hard to differentiate between fear and intuition.  As I have gone through the trials the last four years have presented me with, I have learned so much about myself and fear.  I have had to learn how to accept whatever life throws at me. (Just stating for the record that I have yet to learn how to not fear being vulnerable.  That's a whole different issue.)

Three months ago, as I was waiting for the results of the PET scan that would tell me for sure if cancer was yet again trying to kill me, I went in to my doctor's office. They took my blood pressure.  210/102.  I knew the news was bad.  The anxiety was so intense that I could barely breath. Two weeks ago, I had another PET scan. I went in to get the results. They took my blood pressure.  111/59. The results were good.  The treatment is working. My body is reacting just as it should. I am winning and I can feel it. 

The Dating Game - Take Two

I've been trying to play it cool and failing miserably.  The deal breaker guy broke my heart. I've tried to act like it wasn't a big deal but the truth is that for the first time I let myself be completely vulnerable and it felt so good.  He initiated it all. He made me feel safe. He told me he was taking it seriously.  He called me his girlfriend. He told my friends he wanted to make me his life partner.  He made me feel. 

Truth be told, I feel pathetic for caring so much after such a short period of time. We weren't together long enough for me to feel this strongly.  It goes against all logic but how can I explain my heart?  I can't. 

After his sweet confessions of how intense he felt for me, I expressed concern about how quickly things were moving. I questioned him.  This can be a fatal error.   I assume this is where I went wrong. The next day he needed space.  That was the end.  We never had a real conversation after that. We spoke briefly twice when I ran into him while out with friends.  The first time I saw him, he said the reason he couldn't do it is because of my crazy ex (which is kinda funny because he doesn't even have a clue how much conflict there actually is there).  The second time I told him I hoped we could still be friends and maybe we could grab a coffee sometime.  I texted him a couple days later and asked if he wanted to grab that coffee.  He blew me off.  

I met a new guy.  He's telling me he wants to be my boyfriend. He's saying all the right things. He looks good on paper. He's sweet and attentive. I keep telling him to stop using the word boyfriend.  It's too much too fast. It makes me want to run. 

This whole dating thing is too...confusing.  This perfect on paper guy...who's to say he won't do the same thing?   He likes me but how long will that actually last?  I started thinking about the deal breaker guy. I started to get pissed....like really really pissed off. He said all these things to me and let me feel safe. Then he was gone. Was it even real?  If my friends hadn't seen, I wouldn't believe my own take on it. Logic wins anyhow. He couldn't have felt the way he said he did and just turn it off like that. He couldn't feel the way he said he did and just want nothing to do with me anymore. I've been played?  Does it even matter?  Not really...except for the fact that now I don't trust quite as easily.  Now I'm afraid to let myself feel.  Now I don't want to see his face ever again. I am angry.  

The Dating Game

Deadpool.  A movie based on a comic. Full of action. Bloody at points that made me cringe. The movie ended and I giggled. A love story. A bloody and messed up love story. 

Anyone who follows my blog knows about the guy I was dating...the deal breaker guy.  He's the guy that just made sense. It felt right.  The connection was instant. The connection was real.  The first time he hugged me, I turned toward him to kiss him because it just felt right.  Then I caught myself and stopped.  It came so naturally. But then he decided that my baggage is too much.  And it's over despite the fact that I don't want it to be over. 

I've been on dates with four guys since then.  The first guy... We went on a date and I just felt a heaviness the entire time. I felt sad. I felt disappointed. He was nice. He was handsome. I felt nothing. 

The second guy... Thirty minutes into the date I figured out that he's a white supremacist. It lasted long enough for me to say goodbye. 

The third guy... A vegan.  I don't mean to be judgmental but men eat meat. He is also a germaphobe.  He tried to act like he isn't but I read people. I know. I want a man. 

The fourth guy...  We went to see deadpool together yesterday.  He lives an hour and a half away...

Experiencing a real and legit connection doesn't happen often.  When it fails, it's devastating. It makes it hard to settle. It's hard to let go. 

The thing is...I've realized...I have a story. My life is a story. It's messy story.  But anyone who chooses to be part of this story is lucky...it's a good story. A bloody and messed up love story.  I'm no longer worried about if my story is too much.  My story is epic. My story is worthy. 

I Will Dance

Anyone who knows me well knows that I love to dance.  I have no shame.  I will make a complete fool of myself dancing and laughing.  I feel the music and I must dance.  I dance to the point where I'm dripping with sweat and my cheeks are flushed.  I dance so hard that I am sore the next day.  

For the past three months I haven't been able to dance.  The pain has been the most intense pain I've experienced.  I walk down the street and try to walk without a limp.  I act like the pain isn't there.  I couldn't dance.  Physically, I've just been going through the motions, trying to just be normal.  But I've been missing the bounce in my step.  I went out with friends and had to stand back and watch them dance.  I watched them let the music take over.  I watched them living in the moment. I was an observer.  For so long I also lived my life like this...watching others really live...standing in the background in pain...not allowing myself to feel.  I was married for 14 years and I said so many times...I don't know what happened to me but this is not who I am.  I used to be fun.  I used to love to laugh.  I used to love to dance.  Over the past two years, I have found myself again.  I found my love of laughter.  I've let go of everything that got in the way of letting myself feel the music.  Now this is how I choose to live my life.  I'm not going to let anything get in the way of allowing me to feel.  I am going to take chances.  I am going to live life without regret.  I am going to feel the pain. I am going to feel the joy.  I am going to allow myself to feel deeply.  I've made the choice to feel and now everything is a new experience.  Whether it's laying on the beach feeling the sun on my skin and allowing the peacefulness to flow through me, or driving down the freeway with all my windows down, feeling the wind on my face while my music is turned up as loud as it will go, or putting myself out there in a relationship and sharing my heart and not holding back.  I feel.  Allowing myself to feel is empowering but also sometimes scary.  

The other day, for the first time in months, I experienced no pain in my hip.  The cancer killing pills are doing their job.  I can dance.  Since then, I've found myself dancing when I didn't even realize I was doing it.  Dancing is good for my soul and my desire to dance tells me all is well with my soul.  

Kick Me

Ever felt like you're walking around with one of those signs on your back that says, "Kick me"?  

Fourteen years of marriage...  I have been able to see the good that has come from that fourteen years of marriage.  I see the beautiful children I have been blessed with.  I can see the personal growth that came about as a result of my failed marriage.  There's another side though.  The negative consequences...the wounds that run deep...the fact that this man still has the ability to hurt me through my children. 

Today I went to court because my ex-husband is trying to get full custody of my kids. Yes, he believes I am a neglectful mother. The examples he used are things like...my daughter lost several bathing suits at my home, my youngest had a couple typical childish injuries, I ran late getting my oldest to one of his cross country track meets.  These, he believes, are grounds to take me to court to get full custody. Today we went to court. I represented myself.  I didn't feel the need to use an attorney for such petty accusations. We met with the mediator.  She asked why he felt the need to take me to court to change the current agreement. He said, "she has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I'm concerned for the children in her care."  I listened to his claims and it broke my heart.   This man who I was married to for fourteen years wants to take my kids from me because I have cancer?!?!  What sense does that make?  It just doesn't.  And it's not true. It's just the most recent piece of ammunition he has to use against me. The truth is that he filed for full custody in October...before I knew anything about the metastatic breast cancer invading my body.  After the mediator stated she didn't see any reasons to take any custody away from either of us, his attorney requested a trial. He wants to try to prove that I am not a good mom. The trial date was set. 

I walked out of the court house feeling so alone, feeling vulnerable, feeling betrayed. I am no longer married to this man but I deserve to be respected and valued as the mother of his children.  I am irreplaceable. He doesn't see it. 

I walked to my car and the tears began to flow. I am alone.  I don't do vulnerable. I don't talk about how I feel.  I don't let people see my tears. I am alone and I have never craved human touch so deeply. I just laughed at myself as I realized that what I was desiring was to be comforted. That's such a foreign concept to me...a person who feels safe enough to be vulnerable with...a person who I feel safe enough with to allow them to comfort me...

I rarely feel sorry for myself.  Right now I can't help it. When is enough enough?  Feeling defeated...