Thursday, November 15, 2012

New Half Boob

For the past couple weeks I have been in a constant haze.  Whether from my sweet new baby, sleepless night fatigue, or a pain medication fog... these past weeks have just been a blur.  I'm finally starting to feel like I have the smallest capability to think clearly.  There was a point last week where I thought I had completely lost my mind.  I was reading a post on Facebook and I had the strongest urge to comment on the post with this crazy irrational baby talk/Dr. Seuss inspired statement.  I don't remember what it was but I wish that I did so I could be entertained by my moments of insanity.

I'm so eager to get started with my treatment again.  I don't like waiting.  I want to get things going so I can get them over with.  I have a full head of half inch long hair and the longer it grows, the more irritated I'm going to be if it all falls out again... although... I must say that I hate my hair right now!  I'm looking awfully butch (excuse the very not PC term).  I'm feeling so extremely unattractive with my just had a baby body, my butch hair, and my one breast... oh and I definitely need to mention the drain tube I've had protruding from my side for the past two weeks.  I have good news though.  Today the drain was removed.  More good news... I have one and a half boobs.  The plastic surgeon not only removed my drain today but he also started to fill the expander.  It was seriously one of the most gratifying experiences I've had in a long time.  I keep pulling my shirt away from my chest to look down at my new half boob.  It's pretty awesome.  I'm just hoping that it's able to be completely filled before I start my next round of chemo.  I've been without a breast on the right side for so long... I don't want to end up stuck with uneven breasts for the duration of my chemo.  By the way, I was so excited about my new half breast that I thought about posting a picture on the blog but then decided it would be inappropriate. I do need to post a picture of myself with all my half inch hair but I've only had one picture taken recently and I looked like crap with swollen/tired eyes and a look of confusion on my face.  I'm pretty sure I was on a high dose of pain medication at the time.  Thank God that I'm no longer in need of the pain medication.  I didn't like being dependent on it to function.

My little Ezekiel is still the perfect baby.  He eats like a Raymond.  Which means that he eats a lot!  Sometimes it seems like I can actually see him gaining weight on a daily basis.  John and the kids have to ask for a turn to hold him because I'm holding him at almost all times.  I just can't get enough of the little guy.  He is so sweet.  Every time I look at him I think of what a miracle his little life is and I feel so blessed that God entrusted him to me.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to go over the details of my next rounds of chemo.  I'll find out about all of the side effects and I'm guessing that's when I'll get my start date.  It will feel good to get back into the cancer center and get under the watchful eye of my oncologist.  There is a sense of security that being treated provides.  I want the security of knowing that everything possible is being done to make sure that this cancer is gone and stays gone forever.  Give me drugs.  Give me radiation.  Give me whatever will work to give me a long and cancer free life.  

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