Breakable Girl

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Romans 15:13

Cancer is back in my life. This time invading my bones. By chance...by some innate feeling I had...I guessed that my cancer was back. For the past month I have been getting scans and bone biopsies...waiting...  Waiting is always the worst part. There's no way to move forward.  There's no way to make a plan. There are too many what-ifs. Yesterday I finally got all the answers.  My breast cancer metastasized to my bones. Mainly in my hip and my rib.  I've known for certain that it is definitely cancer for a week.  I was just waiting to find out if the cancer markers had changed.  Most people don't understand how breast cancer works so the importance of this is lost on most. Cancer markers can make the difference between living with stage 4 metastasized cancer for a few months or living for many many years. I went in to my appointment to find out this information.  I met with my doctor and got the information and then he sent me to the infusion room to start treatment immediately.  I sat there in the chair with the nurse standing next to me preparing my injections. I started giggling. The nurse looked at me as if I'm crazy. It made me laugh even harder.  I tried to explain myself to her but I don't think anyone can understand the mix of emotions I was experiencing. The thoughts going through my head...I have cancer and I'm happy. I'm happy because it's only in my bones. I'm happy because my cancer is still fed by estrogen.  I'm happy because if I had to have cancer invade my body again...this is the best kind I could have. I will see my children grow up and that's all that matters to me.  The words from my oncologist's mouth... "You will live for a very long time."

The plan... Stop my body from producing estrogen. I was already taking a drug that was supposed to do that but obviously it didn't work for me. Yesterday I was injected with a drug that will shut down my ovaries for one month. I can keep going back monthly for this injection but drugs didn't work last time. Instead I've chosen to have my ovaries removed. I will have my uterus removed as well.  There's no sense in keeping those unnecessary parts anymore.  They're just more parts that are at risk for cancer. I was also injected with a drug for strengthening my bones. Today the drugs for killing the cancer were delivered to my door.  Just a couple pills I take every day. I won't lose my hair. I won't get sick and weak. I just need them to start working quickly.  My bones are hurting.  I can feel the cancer...my rib especially. I'm limping also.  The cancer in my hip hurts when I walk but the rib hurts all the time. The doctor says the meds will kill the cancer and the pain should be noticeably improved within a month. I couldn't get those pills in my mouth quickly enough this morning after they arrived. I feel like it's a pretty good start to my day. I've already started kicking cancer's ass again and it's just barely 10am. 

Here I go...living life with cancer. I'll continue on just as I was.  The only real difference is that I am breakable. My bones are fragile and I have to be careful.  It made me think of this song.   

http://youtu.be/MgZ_tu8s5Wk

The best gift I have received in a very long time was given to me by one of our closest family friends. She captured the most beautiful pictures of my family. These moments become even more precious when you're wondering how much time you have left with your children.  I spent the past month worrying about that but now the worry has been lifted. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I am surrounded with those who love me. I am blessed with the most beautiful and gifted children. I am in good health with the exception of a little bit of cancer that's trying to kill me.  I really am blessed.  Merry Christmas!