Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Deal Breaker

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.”

I don't do well with vulnerability.  I'm afraid to let myself feel...but there are times when I just don't have a choice.  It's not often that you just walk into a room and feel drawn to someone.  It's even more rare when that person appears to be equally drawn to you. 

When it comes to guys and dating...I'm a complete mess.  I read too far into things because I'm afraid.  I struggle with trust.  I'm struggling to find my way with my new reality.  I am living with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer...a death sentence.  I meet a guy.  Do I tell him right away?  Do I wait for him to get to know me better and then tell him? 

Well, I met a guy.  We were joking around about deal breakers in a relationship.  I asked how he feels about coffee.  He likes it.  I said, "It's a good thing because that was a deal breaker question."  We joked around some more and then I said, "I actually have a real deal breaker."  Then I regretted bringing it up.  I wanted to take it back.  I didn't want to tell him.  I wanted to continue pretending that it isn't real but I had taken that choice away from myself.  At that point I had to tell him.  And how could I not?  It would be living a lie to withhold that information from him.  So, I told him..."I have stage 4 cancer that will eventually kill me...but don't worry...it could take 30 or 40 years for it to do it's job..."  (I might be slightly exaggerating with the words I used)  As he sat there processing what I said, I just watched his face.  A little time passed with just silence, then he said, "So not a deal breaker".  I wanted to cry.  A rush of emotion...relief...  Then a rush of emotion...fear...  Can I believe him?  Could he be honest with me....I'm sorry you have cancer but that's just more than I'm willing to take on...? 

So, here I sit...feeling vulnerable...feeling slightly sorry for myself.  As I said, I don't do well with vulnerability.  I want to protect myself.  I want to pull away.  I want to not care.  I don't want to be afraid. 

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