“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.”
I don't do well with vulnerability. I'm afraid to let myself feel...but there are times when I just don't have a choice. It's not often that you just walk into a room and feel drawn to someone. It's even more rare when that person appears to be equally drawn to you.
When it comes to guys and dating...I'm a complete mess. I read too far into things because I'm afraid. I struggle with trust. I'm struggling to find my way with my new reality. I am living with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer...a death sentence. I meet a guy. Do I tell him right away? Do I wait for him to get to know me better and then tell him?
Well, I met a guy. We were joking around about deal breakers in a relationship. I asked how he feels about coffee. He likes it. I said, "It's a good thing because that was a deal breaker question." We joked around some more and then I said, "I actually have a real deal breaker." Then I regretted bringing it up. I wanted to take it back. I didn't want to tell him. I wanted to continue pretending that it isn't real but I had taken that choice away from myself. At that point I had to tell him. And how could I not? It would be living a lie to withhold that information from him. So, I told him..."I have stage 4 cancer that will eventually kill me...but don't worry...it could take 30 or 40 years for it to do it's job..." (I might be slightly exaggerating with the words I used) As he sat there processing what I said, I just watched his face. A little time passed with just silence, then he said, "So not a deal breaker". I wanted to cry. A rush of emotion...relief... Then a rush of emotion...fear... Can I believe him? Could he be honest with me....I'm sorry you have cancer but that's just more than I'm willing to take on...?
So, here I sit...feeling vulnerable...feeling slightly sorry for myself. As I said, I don't do well with vulnerability. I want to protect myself. I want to pull away. I want to not care. I don't want to be afraid.