Friday, July 31, 2015

Where It's Safe

There's this person inside of me who laughs easily...dances freely...sings loudly...  For so long this person was lost.  I remember thinking...who am I...what happened to that fun loving person...  For a long time I didn't know how to get back to that but here I am...for the most part.  A friend sent me a meme today... it said, "You're only as deep as your most recent inspirational quote".  My response was... "I must be pretty shallow then because my last one was...Kids, stay in the shallow end of the pool".  I was being silly and it wasn't even very funny but it was so fitting because that is exactly where I'm at...being shallow...not letting myself think too deeply.  Letting my thoughts go deep is a dangerous place for me.  I just want to be light and feel only the good...but that can only last for so long.

Last night I sat down with one of my dearest friends who I met when I lived up in Northern California.  We were catching up on each other's lives.  I have only seen her once or twice in the past three years since I moved away.  I was telling her how I try to stay off of Facebook because it seems like every time I log on there is some terrible news about another friend from my Facebook group of women I've met who were also diagnosed with cancer during pregnancy who is dying.  I can't do it.  It scares me.  I am selfish.  I am not a good friend to these women.  If I have to face these realities it means I have to feel.  I have to feel the fear.  I have to feel the sadness.  I'm not ready to face these emotions.  Staying in a shallow place is so much easier... and right now I need easy.

As I sat there venting to my friend...she asked me..."Does your family know of all these little mini traumas that you have suffered on top of cancer and divorce?"  My answer is that I don't know.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to talk about anything.  I have to ignore these things.  I have to remain numb to most things because I'm not ready to deal with the emotions I have been stuffing for so long.  For the past three years I have had the physical affects of cancer to distract me from the emotional pain.  My excuse for everything...I just had surgery....I'm getting chemo...more surgery...I just had a baby...more surgery...I'm doing radiation...more infection...more surgery...a spot on my lung...biopsy...more surgery...  I haven't had the time or energy to take a good look at my emotions or my life.  For the past year I have had a surgery every 90 much easier to focus on than the emotions I have been suppressing for so long...the traumas from cancer and even more so from a disastrous marriage.  

So here's the problem... I can't talk about the painful things and it's affecting my relationships with those that I love... the people who surround me who have blessed me in so many ways...the people who have sacrificed so much...the people who are emotionally invested in me.  They want to help.  They want to understand.  They ask questions.  I snap.  I push them away because I can't do it.  I can't be vulnerable.  If I'm vulnerable I will cry.  If I cry...I'm afraid I might never stop.

This is where the shame comes into play.  I should be okay.  I have so much to be grateful for.   I should be filled with joy because I'm alive...because I am blessed with four amazing children...because I am surrounded by family who love and support me.  I should be okay...but I'm not.  I'm not okay.  I push people away and I'm lonely.

My favorite artist:

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