Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Sad and Numb

"Feeling too much is a hell of a lot better than feeling nothing."
- Nora Roberts

I remember a time where laughter came easily...smiling was natural. I remember a time where talking and sharing myself felt good. I remember when trusting people was automatic. I find myself sitting here staring out at the ocean mourning the loss of the person I was. It seems my life has become a confusing mixure of numbness and sadism. I run away from people because when I am around them I find myself detached...numb...lonely... To me there is nothing worse than feeling loneliness when I'm not alone. So I have become a recluse.  In my loneliness I allow myself to feel.  I allow myself to grieve.

I spent some time talking with my "soon to be ex-husband". It was a heart felt conversation.  As I looked at him with tears in his eyes, I wondered to did I become this person?  He is so filled with emotion and I feel numb. As we talked about our history I realized where this numbness came from.  I mean, I knew it before but it wasn't as clear as it became today. I spent my entire marriage the benefit of the doubt. I should have left a long time ago. I couldn't give up though.  Times were hard but I held onto a tiny shred of hope that we could succeed. It wasn't until every bit of hope was gone that I could let go. And this is where I'm at now. It's been almost a year and I am still empty...drained of hope. These are just feelings I speak of. Of course I know I am okay and I know my life will turn around from this chaotic mess. But right now I can't allow myself to think that far out. I can't allow myself to think of anything but this moment. If I put any thought into the future it will require me to hope...and right now I'm still recovering from all the disappointment. Right now I must choose to be okay with being numb and sad. It's not who I am but it is where I am at. 

I had my 7th surgery a couple weeks ago. I thought it would be my last.  I was so excited to be done. Two days after the surgery, I removed my bandages, looked in the mirror, then began to sob uncontrollably.  My boobs looked worse than they did before the surgery. Every time I walked past a mirror that first week, I just cried. I went to my follow up appointment and my surgeon said he couldn't do everything he needed to in order to make them symmetrical because he needed to make sure the transplanted tissue would survive and it couldn't handle that much alteration during one surgery. So...another surgery is in my future. 

I must admit that when I looked at them for the first time after this last surgery, I was devastated on many levels.  I just want to be as normal as I possibly can be. After going through breast cancer and losing my breast and my hair...I felt like everyone looked at me with pity in their eyes.  This disappointment was just one more opportunity for people to pity me for my mess of a life. (Yes, I realize how much I sound like I'm feeling like a victim)  I told my mom about it and asked her to tell no one else. I don't want anyone else telling me they're sorry for the things I've had to go through. I got it the entire time I was going through treatment.  I've been getting it for the past year with all the drama from the divorce.  I just want it to be over.  I don't want any more pity or sympathy or empathy... I hear how selfish I sound as I write ungrateful I sound. That's truly not the case. I know I'm blessed.  I'm just in a grieving process and it keeps getting drawn out and I'm just exhausted and tired of disappointment. 

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