Resignation

Over the past few months I've been withdrawn, escaping from reality any way I could.  I've done the bare minimum to get by.  I stopped reading email, letting them accumulate to thousands of unread messages.  I started my Christmas shopping about 5 days before Christmas.  I didn't send out Christmas cards.  I put lights on my Christmas tree but no ornaments because I just never got around to it.  I haven't sent out thank you cards from our party in October.  This is totally not like me.   If you came to my house, it might appear like I've been functioning like a normal stay at home mom of 4.  The dishes are done, floors are clean, homework completed, weeds pulled, clean laundry piled sky high waiting to be folded... The fact is that I'm worn out.  I'm only getting done what needs to be done to get by.  I've had a year and 8 months of doctors, surgery, medication, pain...  I'm not discounting the numerous blessings that have occurred during that time as well.  I'm just explaining why I've become withdrawn from the life going on around me.  Maybe it's a little PTSD.  I find an escape where ever I can...anything that will keep my mind off of cancer.  It has worked pretty well, I think.  I have learned how to disconnect from feeling fear.  I have learned how to resign myself to the things I can't control...and I'm completely aware that this is unhealthy for me.  I feel like it's just a part of the recovery process though.  It's just a phase in figuring out this life after cancer. 

Sitting here typing this out, I'm realizing when this whole disconnecting thing began.  I think it began when I got the results from the MRI showing the spot on my lung. Well, today I went for another CT scan followed by an appointment with the pulmonologist.  The spot on my lung has grown from 1.2 cm to 1.8 cm.  When the doctor came in the room to tell me, he said, "The spot has grown so this means we need to do a biopsy.  I'm sorry.  After everything you've already been through you shouldn't have to do this too."  My response... "Eh, whatever."  After I said it I felt like a jerk but I had nothing else to say.  I feel nothing.  I was a little surprised that the spot had grown.  I was expecting it to be the same, smaller or gone completely.  Other than that little bit of surprise, I felt nothing.

The good news is that the PET scan I had two months ago showed no cancer in this mysterious spot.  I asked my oncologist if there was any form of cancer that wouldn't look like cancer on the PET.  He said if I was really old there is one type of very slow growing cancer that doesn't "light up".  So, guess what?  I'm kinda happy that it has grown.  That means it's not this slow growing form that doesn't show up on PET scans.  The pulmonologist also says it doesn't look like cancer to him or the radiologist who examined the scans.  It could still just be infection.  No matter what they need a biopsy to figure it out.  I'm waiting for a call to get it scheduled.  The doc requested the next available appointment and results will come within 3 to 4 days.  Update to come.