Thursday, March 28, 2013

Venting

There's something about being physically vulnerable that makes me lose it emotionally.  Tonight I walked out of the gym and the tears started flowing before I even made it to my car.  I am exhausted physically and at the point where I'm so sick of having an excuse as to why I can't do things or why I can't do things as well as I want to do them.

I was sitting in the waiting room yesterday waiting for my turn to get my body radiated.  This lady who I'm sitting with starts to tell me about how radiation is the highlight of her day.  She said that she loves to be handled by those two hotties (referring to the radiation techs).  So I go into the radiation room, I lay down on the table and think to myself, "who in their right mind enjoys this crap?"  Okay... so this lady did disclose that she hasn't been touched by a man in over 15 years, so maybe she is a little out of her mind... I mean I did just meet her for the first time and she's sharing all this way too personal information.  I just chuckled and nodded my head and then bolted out of the waiting room as soon as I got a chance.

Radiation is extremely uncomfortable for me.  I am a modest person by nature and laying there on a table with my one real breast exposed and my one fake mound that protrudes from my body in a freakishly bizarre way is not my idea of a good time.  The techs have to lay a bolus over my fake mound.  A bolus is a material which has properties that are similar to tissue and when laid over the skin it increases the dose of radiation administered to the skin.  So they lay this thing over my fake mound and then have to smooth it out to make sure there are no air bubbles.  It is so far from enjoyable.  I'm starting to get used to it though.  Today was number 7.  Only 23 more to go.

Anyhow, I was explaining earlier about walking out of the gym and immediately crying.  Today I am angry.  Today is the 28th day of March.  I have been in Ventura for 11 months.  I have been a cancer patient for 11 months and I am still not finished with my treatment.  I hate this.  Today I am angry that I have to deal with this.  I am sick and tired of looking like crap.  My hair is still barely coming in.  I now have to draw on eyebrows for the first time in my life.  My body is weak and can't do what I want it to.  I am angry.  I hate what cancer has done to me.  I hate this fear that every little ache or pain might be cancer.  I hate that when I meet people and they see cancer written all over me through my missing eyebrows and the new hair coming in on my head that all they want to talk about is everyone they know who has or had cancer.  I hate that cancer is what people see when they see me.  I AM NOT CANCER.  I am angry because I can yell about not wanting cancer to consume my life but it has.  That's what I do... every day... treat the cancer.  I don't really talk about it much until I get on here and find my cathartic release through my blog.  People ask how I am and my answer is still fine like life is normal.

My husband started coaching football at the local junior college.  It's not even football season and he's at practice 4 days a week in the afternoon after he's finished working.  We're buying a house.  We are moving out of my parents house into a house of our own and we have no furniture.  We have beds and last week I bought a dining table and a dresser from an estate sale.  We have no appliances.  My kids will be switching to a new school...their third school in the past year.  I still have 5 weeks of radiation left.  Today I am angry.  I left the gym, went home, told my husband to watch the kids, grabbed my computer, drove down to the beach to watch the sunset, turned on Tchaikovsky, and now I'm venting.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm exhausted.  Today I'm tired of being me.

5 comments:

  1. Oh, Rebecca...I'm so sorry you're struggling. Go ahead and vent. You will get through this. One day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. You can be exhausted and overwhelmed and the treatment will go on...and then one day, you're finished. We're praying for you every night. Katy

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    1. Thank you, Katy! I really do appreciate the prayers. Just knowing that you are praying for me blesses me in such a huge way. Congratulations on your granddaughter and your soon to be "noobs".

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  2. Hi Rebecca......it is so weird, but I was thinking about you today, so I thought I would check your blog and there you are today writing. The Lord must have wanted me to see how you are doing and to encourage my sister in Christ. You have every right to feel how you feel and to be angry and tired of ALL of this. I am glad you can vent and let it all out, at least your not holding it all in. I am praying for you and the only one who understands what you are going through is the Lord. And maybe you don't feel like hearing it, but I just want you to know the Lord loves you and you are His child and He thinks you are beautiful!! Don't let cancer define who you are. You are stronger than you think! I pray you will be encouraged and that the Lord will strengthen you and take all this anxiety and sadness away. I pray you feel better real soon. Have a blessed Easter! Try to think of all the blessings you have. Your family and your beautiful children that God has given you. Take care.
    Lisa Gallardo

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    1. Lisa, you are such a blessing to me. You have been such a good friend and I've only met you in person once and honestly, I don't even remember what you look like. Please stop me the next time you see me so I can give you a big hug. I have to warn you though that I'm not allowed to wear deodorant during radiation. Thank you, Lisa!

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  3. Just hang on, Rebecca - get angry, get frustrated, scream at that sunset, but keep hanging on. You'll get through radiation, and the fuzz will start to grow in evenly, and the treatments will settle down. At the moment it's kinda a limbo period, but the clouds are going to be clearing. I know that sounds stupidly reassuring, but it's also true. Keep hanging in there. Just showing up means you are doing great.

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