So apparently Wednesday will be my last day with two boobs... two real boobs anyhow. The mastectomy is scheduled for this Thursday, May 10th at 7:15am.
Growing up my sister Laura called me "Becky Boobie", which at times turned into just "Boobie". I have birthday cards addressed to me as "Boobie". I have no idea why or where this came from but at this phase in my life, I can't help but wonder.... Why didn't she call me "Boobies"? I guess after Wednesday the singular form of the word will finally be appropriate.
Today my dad and I were talking and he asked me if I've made peace with the fact that I'm having my breast removed. I responded by saying, "There is no peace to be had. I'm waging war on that boob and have no intention of mourning the loss of it's diseased tissue." That is exactly how I feel. I am not sad at all to be losing a boob. I am pretty relieved that I'm not losing something that can't be replaced so easily. In all honesty, after nursing three babies, they needed some serious work anyhow and now my health insurance will pay for it.
The only anxiety I'm really experiencing right now is out of concern for my baby. I do not like the fact that I will be under anesthesia while pregnant... and I might as well mention the upcoming chemo my baby will have to endure. I don't mourn the loss of my boob...but I do mourn the fact that I most likely won't be able to breast feed because of the chemo and the radiation. I asked my sister-in-law (who had a baby last month) if she would start pumping some extra milk and freezing it for my baby. I'm not sure if she knew I was serious. I can't stand the thought of this baby not getting all the benefits of breast milk. Out of all my children, this baby will need it the most after everything it's going to go through in utero. And this is where I have to stop myself. I tend to start worrying too far into the future. I can't help it though...I am a Dahl...I am my father's daughter. I analyze things and try to think of every possible outcome before it ever happens so that I can be prepared. I should know better. There are things that happen that just can't be anticipated....such as the situation I find myself in right now.
RIP Becky's Boobie and the nasty cancer within it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you don’t feel too strong, at the moment. But, that’s exactly the way I’m reading your blog. Your attitude, re the upcoming surgery, is just as it should be and your concern is just where it should be; on the baby you’re carrying. Yes, there are many unresolved issues. But, you have a good family behind you and an excellent medical team. Let them do the worrying and put yourself into their hands. Sit back in your recliner, try to relax and don’t let your anxieties trickle down to that baby. Prospective mothers are supposed to be cool, calm and collected and unborn babies are adversely affected by an upset mother. Try using one of my mottos: “Don’t worry about stuff over which you have no control.” There’s a lot of that going around, right now and worry won’t cure any of it. Try to maintain the positive attitude you displayed in your blog. It’s time for you to dumb-down, relax and go with the flow. You’ll do just fine and all will come right in the end.
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