Not sure yet if the reality of the situation has hit me..

I sat down with my kids and explained to them what was going to happen with the surgery.  I explained that I will have my breast removed but the doctors will give me a new one after a I heal. My five year old daughter's response was, "I think when they give you a new one that it's going to be black".  I guess she thinks I'm getting a transplant and she's concerned they're going to give me the wrong color breast.  My seven year old son had different concerns.  His question was, "Are they going to put a milk carton in to replace it?"  He is concerned with how the baby will get it's breast milk.  I overheard my eight year old telling my five year old, "Now Mommy is going to know what it feels like to be a man on the right side of her body." I love that my children give me plenty of reasons to laugh at the situation.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I automatically say I'm doing well or doing fine.  As soon as the words come out of my mouth I feel like I've said something wrong.  Am I just saying that I'm doing fine or am I really doing fine?  So far I have been fine.  I feel okay.  I don't question why this has happened to me.  I'm not angry.  This is just a part of life, another obstacle to overcome.  But then again, that's just how I'm feeling so far.  I haven't yet experienced the pain of surgery or the awkwardness of having only one breast.  I haven't experienced the nausea, fatigue, hair loss or anything else associated with the chemo. So for right now...I am fine.  Tomorrow might be another story.

Today I got a call from the surgeon.  She had just met with my team of doctors as well as some other colleagues and they had come across a procedure that is safe enough for the baby and can save me from losing 10 lymph nodes during the surgery tomorrow.  They injected my breast with a small amount of radiation that will travel to the main lymph node.  This will allow the surgeon to locate and remove only that lymph node.  They will biopsy that lymph node and if there isn't any cancer I am finished with surgeries until I'm ready for the reconstructive surgery.  If they find cancer in the lymph node they will have to perform another surgery to remove additional lymph nodes to get the cancer out.  My prayer for tomorrow's surgery is for there to be not a speck of cancer in the lymph node.