A reason to post

I created this blog for my family quite some time ago and never had the desire to actually post anything.  I now find the name I chose back then to be very funny...chaos is the score upon which reality is written.  I had no idea what chaos really is... until now.  So here I am... ready to type away.  I can now utilize this blog to share with all my loved ones the struggles my family and I are going through and will continue to go through.  I'll give the basics of what we've been going through for the past couple of weeks.  I must say that my brain is kinda not working that great right now.  I've been pretty sleep deprived and completely overloaded with information and that is just a really bad combination.  So, here it goes...

On April 17th I found a mass in my breast.  Not just a little lump...I'm talking a huge mass taking up half of my right breast.  How did I not notice this huge mass in my breast sooner?  I have no idea.  Maybe it popped up quickly because I am pregnant.  Maybe I'm just a typical 32 year old female with no history of breast cancer anywhere in my family who doesn't do the highly recommended monthly self examination.  I'll never know and it really doesn't matter now. 

A week after finding the mass, I had a biopsy.  The results came back the following day...cancer.  I called my parents and my sisters and they suggested that I move my family from Northern California to Southern California (where my parents, three sisters, and one of my brothers live).  So that's exactly what we did.  We really had no choice.  I have three kids and need my family to take care of them while I'm going through months of treatment.

Here it is exactly one week that we've been here.  It feels more like a month.  I am very happy with the choice we made to come down to Ventura.  I am extremely pleased with my team of doctors (thanks to my amazing sister, a nurse, who made sure to find the best doctors around).  I have an oncologist and a surgeon who are going to get me well.  I have no doubt in my mind about it.  I am going to be fine and they are also going to take care of the baby growing in my womb. 

The surgeon called me today to ask if I want to have an expander put in during the mastectomy.  Sounds good to me.  So, I'll kinda have a boob...I think.  I'd google it to see exactly what the expander looks like and does but I've decided that google is my enemy.  I'll more than likely look it up and come across the nightmare story about what went wrong with one person and I'd miss the other stories about the other ten billion that have had it done and everything was fine.  My nerves can't handle any more so I'll stay away from the internet research opportunities. 

So...as of right now the plan is to meet with a plastic surgeon on Monday and then late next week or early the following week I will have the mastectomy.  Three weeks of recovery are required after the mastectomy before I can start chemo.  I will then have chemo for 18 weeks, which will need to be discontinued 4 weeks before I deliver the baby (who is due the first week of November).  If you ask me it's cutting it REALLY close.

I'm not afraid of the mastectomy at all but I am completely terrified of the chemo.  I know what the mastectomy means.  They're going to take my boob and it's going to hurt a lot.  That's just fine...pain doesn't scare me.  Chemo on the other hand...what do you expect with that?  I don't know and not knowing scares me.  Will I be able to be hold my children when they need to be comforted?  Is my compromised immune system going to prevent me from that?  I am going to have chemotherapy while I'm pregnant.  That is just plain old scary. 

Despite all the chaos, we have been so extremely blessed.  Tons of friends helped my husband pack up our entire 3,000 square foot house, have a garage sale, load the truck, clean the house and get it rented out.  All of it completed within three days.  We have also been blessed with our children enrolling in a private school which has been completely paid for by my parent's church.  We are now living with my parents.  We have taken over the upstairs of their house.  It's a huge blessing that my parents have the space for us.  There are so many more blessings to list and so many people who have revealed such genuinely kind hearts.  But for now my brain has done enough work.  I am now ready for bed.