After the Baby High

I have a 4 day old precious little boy.  He is the most beautiful and sweet little guy.  We are all so in love with him.  He continuously smiles in his sleep and yes, I know this because I can't take my eyes off of him.  He had his first appointment with his pediatrician this morning and he is perfect with the exception of his weight loss and jaundice.  They're going to keep an eye on his bilirubin levels for now but hopefully it'll resolve itself within the next couple of days.

I have been breastfeeding every two hours since he was born but I am producing nothing... not even the tiniest bit of colostrum.  I am so disappointed.  I desperately wanted to be able to nurse for the three weeks before I start chemo again.  It's an emotional loss for me and today I get weepy every time I think about it.  Today I gave up trying.  My one remaining nipple is too sore and Ezekiel has lost interest in nursing from a breast that is not producing.  This morning when John and I left for the appointment with the pediatrician, I realized that we didn't bring a bottle for him.  I've never had to carry a bottle in my diaper bag.  I'm going to have to get used to this and I don't want to.  Breast feeding was so convenient.

Today I am so emotionally and physically drained.  I am overwhelmed.  I called the plastic surgeon this morning and they scheduled my expander surgery for this Friday.  I have to take Zeek in for his circumcision tomorrow morning and they'll check his jaundice again at that time.  I have a pre-op appointment on Wednesday.  I called my oncologist to let him know I delivered and I'm ready for my PET scan to be scheduled and to get chemo scheduled again.  The nurse called me back and said they'd get me in next week for the PET scan and then I'll meet with my oncologist to go over the results and determine the treatment plan based on those results.  What?  Things could change... this is too much.  I just had a beautiful little baby.  I don't want to think about this right now.  I want to sit and stare at my beautiful boy.  I don't want to worry about what they'll find with this scan.  I don't want to hear that there's a possibility that things might change because they might find something.  I just want to pretend that cancer doesn't exist.

Maybe I just have a little bit of the post baby blues because I feel so fragile right now.  I'm irritated that I gained so much weight during the pregnancy because I know one thing that would make me feel better right now is if I could fit into a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans.