A Bit of Anxiety

Last night I had a dream that my next chemo treatment (which is this coming Tuesday) had to be delayed.  I was very upset because a delay means it's just going to take longer for it all to be over with.  I'm so glad it was only a dream.  I guess it's normal for people in my situation to have anxiety about their health but it's so foreign to me. The other day I had a little bit of bloody show. It was very light pink but it scared me. It made me start to think about preterm labor. I've also been concerned that maybe the chemo drugs aren't working as well as they should be. My hair is still growing and I don't seem to be experiencing the side effects as strongly as most people do. Maybe I should just be happy that I'm feeling relatively well and not worry about things I have no control over.  But wouldn't I be crazy not to be worried at least a little bit? I don't worry about mortality. Those thoughts don't even come into my mind anymore. Right now I worry about the fact that I should have demanded that my other breast be removed because what happens when I have one implant and one real breast and I lose or gain weight? Am I going to be lopsided every time my weight fluctuates? A silly thing to think about... but I do.

I have an appointment with the perinatologist tomorrow. He's just going to check how baby boy is growing. I'm not a fan of this doctor at all. I went to him during my second pregnancy and he said I needed to be induced 3 weeks early because he thought Tobias (my second child) had issues with his kidneys. Come to find out after Tobias was born that his kidneys were perfectly fine. And then the pediatrician told me that even if he did have the kidney issue that it is very common in males and it usually resolves itself after birth. So induction was unnecessary. I'm not a fan of any kind of intervention during child birth and I'm actually still angry about it. So I'm not very excited about seeing this specific doctor tomorrow but he's the only perinatologist covered by my insurance.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I get tired extremely easily but I constantly think about how much more tired I would be if I didn't have my mom. She does so much. I have very few responsibilities because she has taken most of them on herself. And she does a better job of most things than I did before I even had cancer.

I went to Babies R Us with my sister Cyndi today. She said it was time to register since she's throwing a baby shower for me in a little over two weeks. Cyndi and my mom came up with the list of people to invite because I couldn't decide. I have this weird awkward feeling about inviting people. I just moved back to Ventura after 6 years of investing myself in friendships in Northern California. I have friends here in Ventura but do I invite people who I have only talked to a couple times in several years? I feel weird about having a baby shower for my 4th baby but I would also love nothing more than to celebrate this baby with the people that I love. So many people have already done so much for me that I don't want anyone to feel like they have to go to a baby shower on top of going to my fundraiser and bringing me meals and everything else. It would be so much easier for me if we could do it in a non-traditional way and say please come with or without a gift because I want to celebrate this miraculous event in my life with the people I love who have already blessed me in so many ways. If that was the case, I would invite every single person who reads my blog or has sent me a note or shown any act of kindness.  All of those things have impacted me greatly and I feel like everyone has been walking through this with me and supporting me every step of the way.

I had my mom take this picture the other day.  I thought I was pretty funny at the time.  I'm still coming across people who don't realize I'm pregnant.  I assume by the looks I get that they think I have a huge tumor in my stomach.  Today when my sister and I were at Babies R Us, I saw one of those belly mold kits.  I told my sister that I wanted to do one of my own belly with my one breast.  She didn't think it was very funny but I got a good laugh out of it.