Today I was invited to go shopping with two of my friends, Heidi and Erika. I told them I can't because I'm not supposed to be walking around but I wish I could because I need to buy some hats to prepare for the loss of my hair. Heidi tells me she's going to shop for hats for me. Heidi and Erika went out shopping. Erika tried on the hats. Heidi took pictures and texted them to me to find out which ones I liked. It was so cute and sweet and kind. I thoroughly enjoyed sitting on the couch laughing at the photos of funny looking hats they sent as a joke. After they finished shopping, they brought me the hats and they all fit (which is a miracle because of my huge head) and they were all adorable!
I now have the hats but I am totally unprepared to lose my hair. I'm going to cry when I have to shave it all off. I don't want to look like a cancer patient. I could go get a wig but I don't like the way they look and I don't want one on my head. I just don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to lay in bed at night next to my husband with only one breast and a bald head. Soon enough that will be the situation I find myself in. I'm pretty sure the hair loss started today.
I'm thinking about the loss of my breast and it's not even a close comparison. Logically it makes no sense to me that I should fear the loss of my hair more than the loss of my breast but that's exactly how I feel. I really don't think I ever mourned the loss of my breast. As soon as I found out it was cancer, I wanted it off of me and I couldn't get it off soon enough. It was a relief to have it removed. On the day of my mastectomy, the only emotion I remember feeling was fear that I wouldn't wake up. I remember being wheeled into the operating room and I moved myself onto the operating table. They started hooking me up to all the machines. As soon as they put the oxygen mask on my face I started to cry. I don't know who it was but someone wiped away my tears and spoke soothing words as the drugs put me under. When I woke up I was just relieved to be alive and to have the cancer removed from my body. So why can't I just accept the hair loss and stop obsessing about it?
I did end this post with the above paragraph and then decided to add more to it because I feel like I need to vent. Who do I vent to? I'm sitting here at 1 am feeling sorry for myself. I feel so selfish. How can I go from one extreme to the other in just a matter of a couple of hours? I felt happy all day long, blessed by my friends and family. How silly am I to feel alone when I am surrounded by loved ones showing me love in so many ways? I'm so tempted right now to just go into the bathroom and cut my hair off...not shave it completely but to just throw it into a pony tail and chop it off. Everyone keeps telling me that it's just hair and it will grow back. I know that and I feel so irrational letting it affect me so greatly.
I just went into the bathroom and brushed out my hair, put it into a pony tail, took the scissors in my hand and I couldn't do it...
When Hannah was little and she wanted to have two braids down the sides, like you used to do them all the time, we called them Rebecca braids because that was the best way for her to describe to me the way she wanted them. It was a common name for her braids at our house and they were named after you! I need to find a picture of her when she had them. Tomorrow we will wear our hair in Rebecca braids in your honor! As women our hair is so a part of us, our identity and fashion, etc. I know that I have no clue what you are going through emotionally, but I will pray for you to have peace with your hair loss. My belief is that you have an emotional cycle for every step of your journey, that is why for one hour you are ok with it and two hours later you are angry or sad about the situation. If there is anything more than prayers that we can do for you from SD, please don't be afraid to let us know. We are here for you and wish we could be closer to bring you some comfort meals, watch kids, anything more than prayers!
ReplyDeleteBig South Dakota Hugs!!
~ Angel Metzger
Dear Rebecca......I want you to know that I read your blog all the time. My name is Lisa Gallardo and I sent a card and necklace to you a while back when delivering a meal to your family. I pray for you all the time and my heart goes out to you each time you write. Please know that you are stronger than you think and more amazing than you think. I don't know all you feel, but please know I do understand as my Mom went through breast cancer last year. Like you, we were so worried or concerned about her losing her hair, but truly it was ok. We tried to focus on all the blessings that were taking place and just thanking God for being with her and helping her through every day and every experience that she was going through. It is not easy, but I know you are going to get through this and the Lord will see you through it all. Blessings to you and your family. Keep writing, I believe it is healthy, at least it is for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lisa. I don't think I actually met you when you brought the meal but I know who you are by the card and the necklace. As I recall you'd run into my sister at Target the day before you brought the meal? Thank you so much for all of it. I didn't have a way to thank then but am so happy that I have the opportunity to do so now.
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