Betrayal

Today I was hurt by two people I love.  I found out they were mocking me by saying, "Hey everyone, don't forget I have cancer."  And the response to that was, "I was totally thinking that!!"  Well, at least they're in agreement in their insensitive judgment of me.

I write this blog because it's a way for me to process my feelings.  And it's a way to keep people updated.  Half the time I write this I have no idea what I'm even feeling until it's actually down on the page.  I'm not writing this to get attention or to make people feel sorry for me.  I'm writing it because this is who I am and what I'm going through.  If people want to judge me and make comments on my blog about how I need to be happy with having one breast, I don't care.  I've always known that those who chose to judge me actually do me a favor by revealing themselves and allowing me to choose to not have them around.  From those who love me, I expect to be given the benefit of the doubt.  And that is definitely not what I have been given in this situation....if you can't tell, I'm pretty ticked off about it.

If you don't like what I have to say, then stop reading my blog and unfriend me on facebook.  I have never in my life been a person who enjoyed the spotlight.  I don't seek out situations where I can get attention.  You cannot accurately accuse me of enjoying the attention I am getting from having cancer.  I hate it!!  I love that people care and make me feel loved but I would so much rather be cancer free and continuing my life as I was before.  You can, however, accuse me of being self absorbed.  All I can think about is what I'm going through, what appointment comes next, what pill to take next, what I should be eating, when my hair is going to fall out, etc...  So, if I make some joke out of the blue about how I'm going to be bald and need to tattoo my entire head so it makes me look like it was my choice to be bald, it's because that is what's on my mind.  I'm scared.  I'm afraid of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see.  So, self absorbed...yes.  Maybe I should not go on facebook anymore because when people go on facebook they talk about their lives and my life is consumed with cancer.  I don't want people to think that I'm seeking more attention when I talk about my life.  Yes, I'm using a lot of sarcasm.

I e-mailed my oncologist because he said I need to be very careful about my bodily fluids not touching skin.  I thought of this last night when I was holding my daughter and crying.  So, I asked the oncologist about tears.  He said it's not a big deal unless I'm continuously crying.  So, I've been trying to catch my tears before they leave my eyes.