Hair In Waiting

My hair is still on my head.  Every day it starts to fall out a little more.  If I run my hand through my hair, 7 or 8 strands will come out.  Every few minutes I have to pick one or two strands off when I feel them fall.  It's gross but I just can't part with my hair yet.  I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable by waiting until the last minute to shave it off.  I'm surprised by the depth of my fear of being bald.  I'm not a fearful person so this anxiety that I've been feeling all week has completely caught me off guard.  Part of me wants to just get it over with and shave it all off so I can be done with the anticipation of how I'll handle it.  I don't know how I'll feel until it actually happens but once it does I can at least begin to process it.

Today I learned how to crochet.  I'm going to try it out for a while.  I'll see if I can regulate my OCD enough to allow myself to actually enjoy it.  I don't want to get my hopes up too much about a productive hobby.  :)

Sometimes Things Get A Little Bit Better

Last night my sister came over and cut my hair for me.  I put it in a pony tail and she chopped it off.  It's completely uneven and looks like a hack job but I don't really care.  It'll be easier to manage the hair that falls out now that it's shorter.  I'm not quite sure when I'll be ready to shave it all off.  I guess that will be when it starts coming out at a faster rate or when it starts to look bad.  In other words...any day now.

Today I had appointments all day in Santa Barbara.  The most important one was the one with my OB.  She did a quick ultrasound to check the placenta previa and it's already improved from my last ultrasound two weeks ago.  Hopefully by my next appointment I will be in the clear and can start exercising again.

I never updated about my appointment with the new plastic surgeon.  It went well.  I definitely feel like I can trust him to do a good job.  He filled the misplaced implant enough to smooth out the places that were pointy and causing discomfort.  I hate the way it looks.  My right pectoral muscle looks enlarged.  My sister says it doesn't look bad that it just looks like I'm swollen.  I don't like looking swollen.  I have a swollen pectoral muscle and a concave breast...not my idea of an appealing look.  I can't really complain much though.  At least it's not as uncomfortable as it was.

Tonight I came home to another gift of love from my friend Sharon who knows what it's like to lose both a breast and her hair.  I was given a book called Turning Heads.  It's filled with photographs of women who have lost their hair from chemotherapy.  The most special part is that Sharon wrote by hand scriptural promises throughout the book.  On one of those pages is a bald 35 year old mother blowing bubbles in the yard with her three children.  The scripture written on that page is Psalm 32:7 - "You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

The most amazing thing about this journey I'm on...the blessings that show up with perfect timing.  It's not just Sharon and her scripture filled book or June with her prayer quilt...it's all of you.  Whether it's caring enough about me to read my blog, encouraging me with your kind words, sending me a text message that says good luck today, providing a meal, donating to the fundraiser, buying me hats, praying for me, sending money to help with my medical bills, wanting to sock my plastic surgeon or any of the other bazillion kindnesses that have been shown to me...you all have blessed me.  There is no way I can ever express how greatly these blessings have impacted my life...these blessings that keep showing up at just the right times.

Obsessing About Hair

Today I was invited to go shopping with two of my friends, Heidi and Erika.  I told them I can't because I'm not supposed to be walking around but I wish I could because I need to buy some hats to prepare for the loss of my hair.  Heidi tells me she's going to shop for hats for me.  Heidi and Erika went out shopping.  Erika tried on the hats.  Heidi took pictures and texted them to me to find out which ones I liked.  It was so cute and sweet and kind.  I thoroughly enjoyed sitting on the couch laughing at the photos of funny looking hats they sent as a joke.  After they finished shopping, they brought me the hats and they all fit (which is a miracle because of my huge head) and they were all adorable!

I now have the hats but I am totally unprepared to lose my hair.  I'm going to cry when I have to shave it all off.  I don't want to look like a cancer patient.  I could go get a wig but I don't like the way they look and I don't want one on my head.  I just don't want to lose my hair.  I don't want to lay in bed at night next to my husband with only one breast and a bald head.  Soon enough that will be the situation I find myself in.  I'm pretty sure the hair loss started today.

I'm thinking about the loss of my breast and it's not even a close comparison.  Logically it makes no sense to me that I should fear the loss of my hair more than the loss of my breast but that's exactly how I feel.  I really don't think I ever mourned the loss of my breast.  As soon as I found out it was cancer, I wanted it off of me and I couldn't get it off soon enough.  It was a relief to have it removed.  On the day of my mastectomy, the only emotion I remember feeling was fear that I wouldn't wake up.  I remember being wheeled into the operating room and I moved myself onto the operating table.  They started hooking me up to all the machines.  As soon as they put the oxygen mask on my face I started to cry.  I don't know who it was but someone wiped away my tears and spoke soothing words as the drugs put me under.  When I woke up I was just relieved to be alive and to have the cancer removed from my body.  So why can't I just accept the hair loss and stop obsessing about it?

I did end this post with the above paragraph and then decided to add more to it because I feel like I need to vent.  Who do I vent to?  I'm sitting here at 1 am feeling sorry for myself.  I feel so selfish.  How can I go from one extreme to the other in just a matter of a couple of hours?  I felt happy all day long, blessed by my friends and family.  How silly am I to feel alone when I am surrounded by loved ones showing me love in so many ways?  I'm so tempted right now to just go into the bathroom and cut my hair off...not shave it completely but to just throw it into a pony tail and chop it off.  Everyone keeps telling me that it's just hair and it will grow back.  I know that and I feel so irrational letting it affect me so greatly.

I just went into the bathroom and brushed out my hair, put it into a pony tail, took the scissors in my hand and I couldn't do it...

The Fine Line Between Too Much and Too Little Hair

As I was getting into the shower this morning, I looked around at all the hair products and I was thinking... this might be the last time I wash my hair.  Is losing my hair something I can really prepare myself for?  How did I prepare for losing my breast?  I didn't.  It happened and I was fine.  At least my breast removal was scheduled.  Maybe I should go ahead and schedule my hair loss as well rather than sitting around and waiting for it to happen.  As I'm contemplating all of this in the shower, I go to shave my arm pits and there's nothing to shave!  I am going to savor this one moment.  My hair is still firmly in my head and the hair has stopped growing on the rest of my body!  If I could just press pause on my current hair situation for the rest of my life, I would be one happy gal.

I have an appointment with my new plastic surgeon today.  I'm very excited about this appointment because for the past several weeks I've been trying to ignore the discomfort caused by the implant.  I'm not sure if I mentioned this in any of my previous posts but after the incompetent plastic surgeon filled and deflated the implant, I ended up with pointy ridges right under my arm pit that rub and cause quite a bit of discomfort.  The port sitting right under my bra line causes a problem for me to.  I don't really think he'll be able to do much for me right now but I'm hoping that he might possibly be able to fill the implant a tiny bit to smooth out those ridges.  We'll see.  This plastic surgeon comes very highly recommended.  He's also listed as the number one plastic surgeon in Ventura for several years running.  So I'm thinking it's a good indicator that he is probably going to be a competent plastic surgeon.

Cross Stitchers Anonymous

I haven't updated my bog in several days because I have been extremely busy.  I've spent the last several days doing counting cross stitch and when I needed a break from that, I was reading.  This may not sound all that busy to you, but if you have a little OCD that runs in your family too, maybe you can understand.  My mother-in-law so sweetly bought me the cross stitch.  At first I was really enjoying it.  As my OCD crept up on me, grabbed me by the neck and forced me to stitch away continuously until I had finally completed the project, it became much less enjoyable.  I am so relieved to say that I have finally finished and I think I will keep away from cross stitch from now on.

Keeping my hands busy has been good for me though.  I've stayed away from my computer and taken time to let my mind wander and process while I've been keeping my hands busy and my place on the couch warm.  Allowing my mind to wander has been nice.  It's really kinda fun to see where it takes me.  I think all this down time gives me a great opportunity to really evaluate myself and see who I really am.  I have to say, I am quite pleased with the work the Lord has done in me.  Despite a few set backs here and there, I am happy.  I feel blessed and I see those blessings everywhere I look.  My baby boy is so active.  I get overjoyed with every little movement.  I've been pregnant three times before this and always loved feeling my babies move but this time it's so different.  Every movement he makes I thank God for the reassurance it provides me.  I thank God that this baby is such a strong little guy.  I thank God that those strong movements inside of me make me confident in the fact that my son is protected.  If this little guy has the energy to be that active inside of me, he has to have plenty of energy to be growing well.  Blessings all around me, including inside of me.

Stewing

I was so afraid of what it would be like once I started chemo.  I'm irritated that the hardest part so far has been emotionally.  I'm trying to deal with the things that were said about me but it's not an easy thing for me to let go of.  I fall asleep thinking about it.  I wake up thinking about it and can't fall back to sleep.  I'm irritated that I can't control how it affects me.  I don't want this added stress right now.  For the sake of my unborn baby, I need to stop letting it eat at me.  The thing that bothers me so much is that what was said is a reflection of the hearts involved.  What was said is a reflection of a negative opinion of me.  What was said was done behind my back.  If I've said something that offends, I expect a true friend to come to me with that rather than letting it fester and turn their heart hard toward me.  Just because I have cancer doesn't mean that my loved ones should be afraid to tell me how they feel.  I'm not perfect.  I know that fact very well.  I know I'm not going to be perfect throughout this hard time.  Those surrounding me will most likely see me at my absolute worst.  This is a time in my life that is bringing out ALL of my weaknesses as well as my strengths.  What I need through this time is to be surrounded by people who are going to love me despite my weaknesses and to help me grow...to call me out on my crap in a LOVING way, in a compassionate way.

I don't know the whole story of exactly how the hurtful situation came to be.  But from what I do know, it all started with some comments I made within the first several days of my diagnosis.  At the time I was in shock and every thought going through my head was sarcastic.  I said many things that I never thought someone would take seriously.  One of these things that I said, from what I've been told, is one that motivated the comment.  I said, "If I have to have cancer and go bald, I'm going to be the only one.  Everyone else around me has to have hair, even the baby, if he's born without hair, he'll have to wear a wig."  Never in my life would I expect someone to take me seriously.  If you know me at all, you know that I am not looking forward to getting attention from having no hair.  Who would think that in the same conversation that I'm talking about making my baby wear a wig, that anything else I said would be serious?  I just don't get it.  I could type about this all day long. There are so many different aspects of this that are hurtful and confusing.  For someone who knows me to think that of me, hurts my pride.  For people who love me to mock me, breaks my heart.  To lose faith and trust in people I love, when I need them to be by my side walking me through this is so disappointing.  To lose sleep and to cry over this is maddening.

Note:  To those of you have have tried to comment and have been unable, I changed the restrictions on comments.  You can now comment freely...even as anonymous.  No need to comment on FB because you couldn't comment here anymore.  You can still comment on FB too.  I don't mind either way.  :)
(PS.  Commenting as anonymous is kinda lame if you ask me.)

Discussions/Arguments I've Had

Some days I feel completely rational.  To those around me, I'm sure I appear pretty irrational.  Below are some of the conversations I've had that show how hard it is to tolerate my stubborn ways.  And these are just a few of the many.

This morning with my husband:
John:  How are you feeling?
Me:  Slight nausea consistently and a continuous throbbing headache.
John:  Did you call the doctor about the headache?
Me:  No.
John:  You know they said you should call and let the doctor know if you have a headache?
Me:  I think it's just because I haven't been sleeping well.
John:  Don't you think you should call either way?
Me:  Can you just call for me if you're that concerned?

With my sister:
Cyndi:  How's your headache?
Me:  It's still pretty bad.
Cyndi:  Have you taken anything?
Me:  No.  My liver is already working overtime with all the drugs in my system.  I don't want to burden it any more.
Cyndi:  It's a fact that you heal better when you're not in pain.  Take some motrin.
Me:  I can't take motrin.  I'm pregnant.
Cyndi:  Take tylenol
Me:  Tylenol is too hard on the liver.

Another one with my sister:
Cyndi:  I'm going to look into renting a wheelchair so we can get you out of the house.
Me:  I'm not going in a wheelchair.
Cyndi:  Why not?
Me:  Because I don't want to go out in public in a wheelchair.
Cyndi:  I think it would be good for you to get out of the house and be able to go shopping or I could walk around down town or at the beach with you.
Me:  I do not want to go out in a wheel chair.
Cyndi:  Why, because of your pride?
Me:  Yes because of my pride.  I can't bring myself to be out in a wheelchair with no hair, drawing attention to myself.  If you want to get me out of the house, we'll have to go somewhere where no walking is involved.